


We Meet Again

by Musicania



Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M, Sorry JB, Yugbam are mentioned for like a second, but only for the first chapter, jaebum is a jerk, producer au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-07-24 19:18:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 33,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16181510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musicania/pseuds/Musicania
Summary: Defsoul is known for being the best producer in the business. He's also equally well known for being notoriously difficult to work for. Jackson had been working for him longer than most when he decided he'd had enough. Months later they meet again and Jackson discovers that Jaebum the person is very different than Defsoul the producer.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be honest with you. This chapter has literally been ready to post for over a week but I could NOT figure out a title or a synopsis. I hate what I ended up with but I just wanted to get this posted, so I hope people are still willing to give this a read despite the fact that the title and description are crap.

“Jackson!”

Jackson flinched at the sound of his name. He knew that tone. That tone suggested he was about to get yelled at, likely for something that wasn’t his doing but was somehow his fault anyway.

“Coming.” He replied, gently shifting the sleeping cat off of his lap and setting his phone on the coffee table before walking down the hall to the nearby door where his boss Im Jaebum—also known as Defsoul—was working. “What do you need?”

Jaebum was clearly looking for something. Papers were thrown on the floor haphazardly as he continued to move things around his desk at random, only making it more chaotic. “The USB key that I had with the guide tracks. I  _ told _ you not to move it. Where the fuck is it?”

Jackson held back a sigh. Touching anything electronic in Jaebum's house was one of Jaebum’s hard rules. 

Jackson had been working for Jaebum for just over a year now. He couldn’t say he liked the job all that much, but he wouldn’t say that he  _ hated  _ it either. Jaebum was rude and very occasionally cruel but Jackson had almost gotten used to being yelled at after all this time and he had learned to navigate Jaebum’s bizarre personality.

Jackson divided Jaebum’s orders into hard and soft rules. If Jackson listened to everything Jaebum yelled at him to do they would be significantly less productive and Jaebum would probably be dead.

Soft rules were ones that Jackson could ignore or tweak. Like if Jaebum ordered Jackson to go and get Ramen—which he did, literally every meal, literally every day—Jackson could ignore that and make actual food for his boss using food that he himself bought with his own money and stored solely for the purpose of keeping his boss from dying of scurvy or malnourishment. Despite how often Jackson cooked, which was nearly daily at this point, Jaebum always seemed to look a little surprised at the meal Jackson left with him, a small smile curling his lips as Jackson ducked away again. Jackson generally found extra money tacked onto his paychecks too, Jaebum’s way of saying thanks without actually having to say thanks and to cover the cost of the food.

Hard rules were ones that Jackson never dared to break. Jaebum had a temper and Jackson was often on the receiving end of it, but breaking a hard rule sometimes led to genuinely terrifying results. Touching any of Jaebum’s electronics was a hard rule. Jackson would  _ never _ have touched the USB key, especially not if he knew it had guide tracks on it. But this wouldn't be the first time Jaebum had moved something himself and then blamed Jackson after forgetting that he had done it. 

Jackson had almost quit four times, all after being confronted with Jaebum’s vicious temper. His roommate, Mark, couldn’t understand why he was still working for the man. Sometimes Jackson didn’t know either. It was exhausting work, mentally and sometimes physically. The hours could be long and the longer the day, the shorter Jaebum’s temper was. Jackson basically lived with the man as it was, but sometimes during crunch time Jackson wouldn’t go home for two or three days. 

Despite everything Jackson found himself drawn to the man. Well, the producer more than the man. Jaebum was the top composer and producer at JYP Entertainment. All artists wanted to sing his songs because they were guaranteed chart toppers. Not even his reputation of being an absolute asshole to work with could tarnish the dozens of awards lining the shelves of his living room and those of the artists who worked with him.

Jackson loved being around him. Loved listening to the snippets coming out of his room as he worked. Loved listening to the way he coerced his artists into getting new sounds out of them that they hadn’t thought themselves capable of. Loved just seeing how insanely talented this man was, the things he could do with a melody was staggering sometimes. Those were the moments that kept Jackson around. He  _ needed  _ to see what Jaebum would do to astound and enthrall the world next.

Sometimes Jaebum actually let him do his job and give suggestions of his own. The moments when Jaebum's eyes would widen at one of Jackson suggestions, like a whole new world had just opened up in his mind, were moments Jackson lived for. Jaebum would get so excited he was like a was an entirely different person. 

“I didn’t touch it.” Jackson said to Jaebum, who probably wasn’t really listening. “I’ll go see if I can find it.”

Jackson pushed off the door frame and walked further into the house. Jaebum initially worked out of the JYPE building but eventually moved into a bigger apartment and built his own recording studio in the master bedroom so he could work from home. In all honesty Jackson thought it was better than the one at JYPE.

Officially Jackson was a recording engineer and assistant producer but he was basically Jaebum’s slave. Making sure the guy survived long enough to write another album was definitely a full time job. The man had the worst sleeping and eating habits out of anyone Jackson had ever met. His hygiene habits were only acceptable because Jaebum found the shower a great place to try new melodies. Once or twice Jackson had to tell him to get out after he'd been in there for almost two hours. 

When Jaebum was particularly tired or if he was in a composing mood and wandered around the house in a musical fog, he’d leave his stuff everywhere. Jackson once found Jaebum’s phone in the freezer. 

The only good thing about Jaebum being a workaholic was that he was somewhat predictable. Despite the large apartment, Jaebum only really ever ventured to the kitchen and his bedroom. It narrowed down the places that Jackson had to search to find whatever Jaebum was blaming him for misplacing.

He started with the bedroom. Jackson wouldn't say that Jaebum was  _ messy _ exactly, but he was fairly disorganized. Knickknacks and books covered most surfaces with some kind of organization method that was beyond Jackson. 

He glanced around the end tables on either side of Jaebum's bed and kneeled to check under the bed in case it has fallen. He found another cat, but no USB key. 

He headed into the en suite washroom, nearly tripping on a towel left on the floor. Jackson sighed and tossed it into the nearby hamper before scanning the counter top. He was placing the cap on Jaebum's shaving cream when he noticed the black USB stick next to the soap in the soap dish.

That was a first. 

He picked up, wiping off any soap residue on his jeans as he walked back to the studio. “Is this it?”

Jaebum's head snapped up and his eyes zeroed in on the piece of plastic in Jackson’s hand. “Yes.” He said moving and taking it. “Don't touch anything in here.”

Jackson almost rolled his eyes. Like he intentionally took the tracks that both of their jobs depended on and put it in the soap dish of Jaebum's private bathroom, just to screw with him. “Won't happen again.” He said instead. “Did you need anything else?”

Jaebum just grunted and shook his head, his eyes already on the files he was pulling up on his computer. 

Jackson had just stepped back into the hall when Jaebum called him back. “Wait, Jackson.”

“Yeah Hyung?”

“Can you re-record the rap in the guide for Unwanted? I changed the lyrics last night.” 

Oh, a question instead of a demand. Those were rare. “Sure thing.”

“I already emailed them to you.” Jaebum said. 

Jackson didn't reply as he headed back to the living room. 

Jackson often helped Jaebum record for the guide tracks, essentially rough versions of the songs Jaebum had written so that the artists could hear what it sounded like to see if they wanted to record the song. They were really basic, usually just consisting of basic piano chords for backing with the vocals over top. Some of the R&B or rap songs had beats put in to give the artist an idea of the overall feel of the song. 

He originally just recorded Jaebum, who would record both the vocals and the raps. But when Jaebum heard him rapping one of his favourite songs while he thought Jaebum was on the phone, he’d asked Jackson to record all the raps for the songs he wrote. Jackson had been, and still was if he was honest, flattered that Jaebum had thought him good enough to be on the same track as him, even if it was just a guide. He would never admit it to anyone but he kept a few of the tracks where he felt that he and Jaebum did a better job than the artist who ended up recording it. 

He fell back onto the couch and pulled his phone towards him, unlocking it and opening his email. His eyes scanned the lyrics and he felt goosebumps pepper his arms and the back of his neck. They were  _ good _ . He’d liked the original ones, but these ones… They gave him chills. 

He started muttering to himself, trying to work out the best phrasing and how to emphasize the beat while also making the lyrics shine. He grabbed a notebook from the coffee table and started jotting down ideas, underlining words and syllables he wanted to stress. Jaebum generally trusted him enough to not interfere with Jackson's ideas for the guide raps but he had made Jackson redo a few on the rare occasion he felt were just not good enough. 

He just about had it figured out when the phone rang, the ringtone indicating it was a call from the lobby which Jackson assumed meant the artist they were scheduled to work with that afternoon had arrived

“Jackson, get the door.” Jaebum called, like Jackson wasn't already planning on doing it. 

He picked up the phone and told them he'd be down in a moment to get them before heading down to the lobby to go meet them.

 

**。。。**

 

**** “Jackson, get in here.”

Jackson looked up from the laptop he’d been working on for what must have been hours as he replied to emails and tried to work out scheduling for the next month in addition to doing research on three new artists they would be working with, taking notes on their styles, voice types and possible vocal ranges, all of which they would need to keep in mind when choosing songs to offer them. They wouldn’t be successful if they offered the artist a song that didn’t fit their established style or one that they simply just weren’t able to sing. 

Two of them were groups which always required so much more work as he had to look into multiple members to figure out line distribution suggestions. One of the groups had fifteen members which Jackson felt was entirely unnecessary. Each person would only get to sing for approximately fourteen seconds if the lines were divided evenly, which they ultimately never were. He’d seen members of four person groups get less than that per song.

He pushed away from the kitchen table and got to his feet. He technically had his own desk in Jaebum’s studio but Jaebum didn’t work well with other people in his space so it was just easier, and frankly more productive, if he didn’t use it. He did take the comfy leather chair though so that he wouldn’t leave work with back spasms every night.

He winced internally when he saw the stormy expression on Jaebum’s face when he entered the studio. He didn’t want to deal with Jaebum’s anger tonight. He was exhausted. His vision was slightly blurry from staring at the laptop for so long and he could feel a headache starting behind his eyes. “What’s wrong?” He asked without preamble.

Jaebum held out a set of headphones to him without saying a word.

Well this wasn’t going to end well.

Trying to brace himself for the explosion that was inevitable after Jackson listened to whatever it was Jaebum was pushing at him, he took the headphones and slipped them over his ears.

Jaebum tapped the spacebar in front of him and a familiar song began playing. It was one that Jaebum had asked Jackson to work on with an arranger that they worked most frequently with, Woozi. Jackson was learning about the different programs and equipment used in arranging but he just didn’t have enough time to produce, engineer and arrange as well as keep up with Jaebum’s absurd demands and schedule. 

After particularly bad days at work Jackson would dream of opening his own studio where he could work at his own pace and be able to explore all areas of music production. But his bank account would always laugh uproariously at that dream and Jackson would show up for work the next day as usual.

It was far from normal for Jackson to work on his own, but Jaebum had been so swamped lately that he simply didn’t have a choice. He’d sent Jackson to JYPE to work out of their old studio for a few days with Woozi and a lesser known idol so Jaebum could work with another much more popular one at the same time. 

Jaebum made him listen to about forty seconds of the song before stopping it. “Well?” He asked.

He wasn’t even going to give Jackson anything to go on? Those arguments were always the worst. Jaebum was already mad at him but somehow it always made him even angrier when Jackson couldn’t read his mind and just  _ know _ what it was that he wanted fixed.

Jackson slid off the headphones, holding them in his hands as he thought about how to reply. “I think it sounds good.” Jackson said, knowing it would probably only make Jaebum angrier, but unable to deny that he was proud of his work. It  _ did _ sound good.

“It’s nothing like the style the artist usually sings.”

“I know.” Jackson agreed. “She said she wanted to try something new. It’s not one of the title tracks, and her management team agreed. The track sounds good so I’m not sure what the problem is.”

“This song wasn’t on the agreed track list that we determined earlier.” Jaebum continued.

“I know that too. The artist remembered it from when we had our pre-recording meetings. She wanted to try it.”

“And you let her?”

“Hyung, it’s  _ her _ album!” Jackson said. “It was what  _ she _ wanted to do.”

“Which is why it’s our job to tell her no! Do you have any idea how many talented people there are in Korea? Thousands. Only a fraction of those people actually make it in this industry because of competent management paired with producers who  _ do their jobs properly _ . Making stupid decisions like this could compromise her already mediocre career. If you don’t care about your job or this industry, you should at least understand your place in it.” Jaebum spat.

Jackson stiffened as a wave of emotion crashed into him. Didn’t care about his job or the industry? Was Jaebum kidding? Did he have  _ any _ idea how much of himself Jackson gave in order to get where he was? How much he gave to make sure that the artists he was working with would sound their best?

He could handle making a mistake. That was fine. That was something he could own and learn from. Why was it so hard for Jaebum to address it like a normal boss and talk to him about it calmly? Why did he have to make it out like Jackson was intentionally trying to ruin some innocent girl’s career? Why did he have to have imply that Jackson was here for the paycheck only? That he could have been working at at convenience store for all he cared about what he did?

That was something Jackson just couldn’t get past. He’d put up with a lot from Jaebum over the past year and a bit but nothing had ever made angry like this did. Nothing had ever hurt him like this did. Did Jaebum not know him at all? Did he honestly think Jackson didn’t give a fuck about what they did everyday?

Jackson tried to take a step back and calm himself down before he made a decision that he might regret.

He could see dark smudges under Jaebum's eyes and he knew that meant the man had probably been awake for far longer than was healthy. He didn’t know how much sleep he’d had before that but Jackson was sure it hadn’t been much.

He knew that Jaebum was frustrated by something he was working on; Jackson had heard him repeat the same phrases over and over and over again.

He knew that Jaebum had been overworked and overbooked for the last few weeks, his schedule far too busy for one man to possibly manage safely. 

He knew all that, he did. But this wasn't the first time Jackson had made excuses for Jaebum when he lashed out at Jackson  _ because _ of all those reasons. Those things weren't  _ Jackson's _ fault. 

This time he went too far. Said something that Jackson couldn’t brush off with a few beers and an evening of ranting to Mark. 

How dare Jaebum. How dare he question Jackson's dedication and passion to music. Being able to make music meant  _ everything _ to Jackson and he considered it a privilege and an honour to be able to do what he loved with some of the most talented people he'd ever met. How  _ dare _ Jaebum suggest otherwise. 

Clenching his jaw and trying not to explode, trying not to fight anger with anger, Jackson made his decision. He set the headphones back on the table and turned to leave the room. 

“What are you doing?”  

“Going home.” Jackson said quietly, his voice threaded with anger. He looked back over his shoulder. “I quit.”

Jaebum’s head snapped back. “Y— You what?”

Jackson turned to face him. “I quit. I’ve put up with a  _ lot _ of shit from you over the past year hyung. And I mean a  _ lot _ . You’ve shouted every insult there is at me, blamed me for things I didn’t do and made my job a nightmare sometimes. But you have no right to question my motivation, my desire to work in this industry. I made a mistake. That’s on me. But that mistake, my inability to read your mind or decipher the insults you keep throwing at me does  _ not _ give you the right to belittle all the work I do everyday or all the work I have done for  _ years _ to get where I am. I can't work with someone who thinks that way about me. I won't. So I quit.” 

He ignored Jaebum calling his name as he left the studio and picked up his bag from beside the door. He unhooked the keys he had for Jaebum's building and apartment, tossing them on the coffee table before walking out. He had some clothing, a book and a phone charger in one of Jaebum's spare rooms and some tea in Jaebum’s kitchen but he had no plans to go back to get any of it. 

He didn’t care if Jaebum thought it was a childish move. Part of Jackson already hated himself for quitting so rashly. He always told himself that he wasn’t going to be like the long line of assistant producers that Jaebum had had before him. He always told himself to talk it out, give notice, all that crap. But a bigger part of him just didn't care.  Maybe it was a long time coming, all the little things just building to his breaking point. Maybe Jackson was just as exhausted and overworked as Jaebum and it would have taken something far less personal for Jackson to quit. Maybe he had just finally had enough. 

Whatever the reason, Jackson wasn’t planning on taking it back. It was just after four p.m which meant that the Production Director was probably still at work so he went to JYPE to officially quit, ignoring the pleas for him to stay. The staff at JYPE weren't blind to Jaebum’s temper and apparently Jackson lasted far longer than any of Jaebum's other assistant producers but that wasn't enough to get him to stay. 

Jackson admired Jaebum; he truly thought the man was a unique gift to the music industry, that he had something that no one else did. He genuinely believed that. But Jackson didn't want to work with him anymore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not sure what the update schedule will be like for this since I'm still trying to figure out where exactly I'm going with this fic so be patient. I'll try for weekly updates but no promises.
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed!!  
> (apologies to JB stans who probably did not enjoy this chapter. I swear he won't be like this for the rest of the fic)


	2. Chapter 2

“Mark oh my god what are you doing in there?” Jackson shouted from his spot on their living room couch. “We were supposed to leave like half an hour ago. I get being fashionably late, but if you take much longer we’ll just be rude.”

Mark appeared in the entrance to the hallway that led to their bedrooms. “What do you think about this sweater?”

Jackson squinted at him. “Wasn’t that the one you were wearing twenty minutes ago?”

“Yes, but I changed the jeans since then. Does it match these jeans?” Mark questioned, running his palms over his thighs nervously.

Jackson stared at him for several seconds. “Mark, I say this with pure love and affection, but becoming an A-list model has gone to your head and you are now officially the worst. Stop hanging out with Bambam. You look fine. Can we please go now?”

Mark got this look on his face, like he’d had a great idea and ducked back towards his room.

Jackson leapt to his feet and chased after him. “No! If you are going to start sending selfies to Bambam to ask him about your outfits I am leaving without you and you can say hello to Jinyoung by yourself.”

Mark pouted at him. It was a very effective pout and worked about 100% of the time on other people, but Jackson had known him for over five years and Mark tried to use it on him about three times a day. It lost the ability to sway Jackson from anything about four years and eleven months ago.

“Do  _ not _ give me that face. Do something with your hair and let’s go. I’m giving you ten more minutes and then I’m leaving with or without you. You look fine.” 

Mark chewed his lip anxiously.

“Jinyoung doesn’t care much about clothing anyways.” Jackson added, his tone a little more gentle.

Mark took a breath and sent Jackson a smile before heading back into his room.

“I don’t get why you’re freaking out.” Jackson called as he headed back to the living room. “You’ve already met.”

“Yeah, for a photoshoot. Where they paid people to make me look pretty.”

Jackson honestly didn’t think Mark needed much help with that. The man woke up looking like Prince Charming out of a fairy tale. Jackson definitely looked like the dragon when he first woke up. 

“You're always pretty.” Jackson called, only receiving a snort in reply. 

Mark was ready in five minutes and he and Jackson took a cab over to Jinyoung’s. 

The security to get in was crazy but they had no problems and then they were letting themselves into Jinyoung's apartment. It was huge but even with all the space, it was pretty packed with people. 

Jackson felt excitement bubbling as he saw so many familiar faces. He wasn't a party person really, but a lot of the people present were from JYPE and Jackson couldn't wait to catch up with them. 

“We should find Jinyoung.” Jackson said to Mark, pulling his roommate close so he could be heard over the music, which wasn't all that loud, but Jackson didn't want to embarrass Mark either and have the people close to them hear too. 

Mark’s eyes were scanning all the people around them as he nodded, looping his fingers around Jackson's wrist so he wouldn't lose him as they weaved their way through groups of chatting guests. 

Jinyoung actually wasn't all that hard to find given the fact that someone had made him wear this enormous golden crown, complete with fake gemstones at all. 

“He looks ridiculous.” Jackson snorted. 

“Ridiculously handsome.” Mark replied. 

Jackson rolled his eyes and elbowed him gently for being so cheesy before heading over. 

“Jinyoungie!” He cried, grabbing the singer for a hug.

“Jackson!” Jinyoung replied warmly, returning the hug tightly. “I'm so glad you could make it. I miss you.”

“Me too.” Jackson said, pulling back. “I hope you don't mind, I brought my roommate Mark.” Jackson said, pretending he knew nothing about the photoshoot the two had a month ago for a brand they were both spokesmen for. It wasn't like Mark talked about nothing else but the perfection of Jinyoung's hair for about four days after it or anything. 

Jinyoung's eyes widened as his gaze shifted to Mark. “Mark-hyung!”

“You know each other?” Jackson asked, feigning surprise. 

The things he did for his dumb ass roommate. Mark was lucky Jackson loved him. 

Jinyoung smiled just about the biggest smile Jackson had ever seen. “We worked together about a month ago. I can't believe he's your roommate.”

“Wow, no way! Small world.”

“Happy birthday.” Mark said quietly, Jinyoung the sole focus of his attention. 

Jackson looked at Jinyoung and the feeling seemed to be mutual. 

“Wow is that Jooheon? I haven't seen him in ages. I'm going to go say hi.” Jackson lied, simply wanting to get away from the two. 

They didn't even seen to notice him leaving, Jinyoung telling Mark something about the photoshoot the two had done and Mark seeming to hang on every word. 

They were adorable. And gross. Jackson was happy for them.

Jackson moved away from the pair and searched the party goers, trying to figure out who he wanted to see first. He spotted Choi Youngjae talked animatedly with someone  Jackson couldn't see in a far corner and started weaving through the crowd to go and see him. They texted occasionally, but Jackson hadn't seen him in almost a year, since the last time the singer worked with Jaebum. He felt a smile spread across his lips as Youngjae’s familiar laugh sounded even over the music. 

Jackson was a few feet away when a trio of women moved closer to the kitchen and the person who Youngjae had been talking to was revealed. 

Fuck. 

Belatedly, Jackson realized he should have seen this coming. He should have known  _ he’d _ be here. 

Im Jaebum sat in a chair opposite Youngjae, looking relaxed, even holding a beer in one of his hands. Jackson had spent an ungodly amount of time with Jaebum  but he had never seen the man drink before now and the sight was a little strange. 

Of course Jaebum would be invited. Jaebum was one of the first producers Jinyoung had ever worked with, long before either of them became famous. They'd been together for ages.

So no, Jackson wasn't surprised that Jinyoung invited Jaebum. He  _ was _ surprised that Jaebum actually came. In all the time Jackson had worked for Jaebum he never went out for a dinner or grabbed coffee with friends, never mind go to a party. He barely even texted. 

Jaebum hadn't seen him standing there yet, so Jackson took a second to study him. He looked…better. The last time Jackson had seen Jaebum he was run ragged. He now looked well rested, the bruises under his eyes borne from exhaustion were nowhere in sight. He had also put on a bit of weight; not fat, but healthy. Jaebum was taking care of himself. 

The sight eased something in Jackson that he hadn't even realized was tense. 

Jackson had thought about Jaebum often in the past ten months. That was normal, right? He had spent almost twelve hours a day with the man for over a year; he supposed it would be weirder not to. 

It was at the strangest times though, like when he was grocery shopping and he'd somehow end up with food in his basket that he didn't even like but that he had used to buy all the time for Jaebum. 

Three months ago a song that Jackson had produced had won first place on a music show. A first for him. After the shock and sheer joy subsided enough for him to look for his phone to call people and let them know, the first person he wanted to call had been Jaebum. To this day Jackson wasn't even sure why. To rub Jaebum's face in the comment he'd made all those months ago? To show him that Jackson  _ did _ care and that he  _ was _ capable of doing his job, not only properly, but well? 

He obviously didn't go through with the impulse, but he still hadn't figured out what he would have said even if he had made that call.  

Jackson swallowed and decided that he wasn't mentally prepared to handle seeing Jaebum again just yet. 

He wasn't mad anymore, the anger had died down months ago. The hurt was still there a little though. It was hard to hear that someone who he'd looked up to professionally thought he was only there for the paycheck. 

He still felt a bit awkward about it too. Jackson was embarrassed for having quit the way he did. He felt he'd overreacted as he thought it over in the few weeks he took off after quitting. He decided he'd needed some time to himself before finding a new job, a way to reset before he jumped into anything new. 

He didn’t regret quitting. It had been, and still was, the best thing for him. His new company wasn't as famous or as big as JYPE, but the artists were talented and they treated him well. He'd been an assistant producer for three months before he'd been promoted to producer and was able to work with artists on his own, exploring his own creativity and musicality. Jackson wouldn't have changed anything that had happened. He was happy and he was successful doing what he'd always wanted. He'd made it. 

But Jaebum still hung over a corner of his mind like the missing piece of a puzzle. Jackson hadn't even realized how much it was still bothering him until he’d seen Jaebum again. Jackson didn't like the way he'd left.

Jaebum was  _ many _ things but he still taught Jackson far more about music production than anyone else Jackson had ever known. Jackson had soaked in his sheer brilliance for over a year, learning everything from composing tips to production strategies, ways to help his artists sound their best and how to layer harmonies in ways he’d never thought of. He knew he wouldn't have been nearly as successful on his own had he not been Jaebum's assistant producer for so long. Walking out on him with barely an explanation seemed like a poor way to pay him back for that. 

But Jackson  _ had _ paid for it, in a way. He paid for it in ignored insults and wearying hours. He paid for it in all the extra things he did on a daily basis and all the times he’d bitten his tongue to avoid unnecessary conflict. Did that count for anything?

Jackson didn’t know.

Figuring he was still far too big a mess to deal with Jaebum tonight, Jackson decided to take the cowards way out and veered off course, heading towards an unfairly tall man with big ears who was laughing uproariously, slapping his thighs with a hand that wasn’t holding his drink. 

“Jackson-hyung!”

He sighed. He wasn't surprised Youngjae had seen him.  He must have been just standing there for like five minutes. Honestly he was a little surprised he wasn’t noticed sooner.

Jackson sighed before clearing his expression and turning to see Youngjae walking toward him with a beaming smile on his face. 

It was impossible not to smile back in the face of such radiance and Jackson softened as he stepped forward to hug the vocalist. “Hey Youngjae-ah.”

“How are you? I haven’t seen you in so long.” Youngjae asked, pulling Jackson’s sleeve so he followed him back to where he’d been sitting. 

“I know. I’ve been doing well, working a lot I guess.” He said. 

He looked at Jaebum, who was studying him curiously, and wondered if the suffocating awkwardness could be felt by the whole party or if it was just Jackson.

Jaebum didn't look unhappy to see him. To be fair, he didn't look happy either. Honestly it was kind of weird being the sole focus of Jaebum’s attention. When he worked with him the two usually had their conversations with one or both of them looking at a computer screen or with Jackson in another room entirely. It wasn’t all that often that Jackson could recall having Jaebum’s _full_ attention on him and he realized that in all the time he’d worked for Jaebum, he’d never really comprehended just how intense his gaze was.

Jackson ducked his head in a semi-bow. “Hi hyung.”

“Hey Jackson.” Jaebum replied.

They stared at each other for a few beats of incredibly awkward silence before Youngjae, who seemed to be oblivious to the tension, pulled Jackson down to sit on the arm of the armchair that he was sitting in. “So how is your new company? I was so shocked to hear you had quit.”

Wow Youngjae, way to make everything so much more awkward.

But Jackson knew he didn’t do it intentionally, so he tried to come up with something that wouldn’t make him feel bad for dragging Jackson over there. “Yeah, I just… I wanted to move on I guess. See what I do could on my own.”

Youngjae nodded. “I can see that. I’ve heard some of your songs. They’re pretty awesome. Your new company is lucky to have you.”

Youngjae’s comment flooded Jackson with warmth. “You’ve heard some of the songs I’ve produced?”

Youngjae nodded. “You’ve worked with some of my ‘96 friends on their last album. I called them after it came out and told them how much I liked it and they told me they had this amazing new producer.” Youngjae laughed. “I couldn’t believe it when they told me it was you!”

Jackson’s jaw dropped and he turned on the arm of the chair to face him more, momentarily forgetting about Jaebum sitting opposite him. “No way! Which group?”

“ZERO.” Youngjae said. “I’m good friends with Soonyoung—Hoshi is his stage name.”

Jackson threw back his head and laughed. “No way! I had no idea! They were so much fun to work with.” ZERO had been the group whose title track had won Jackson’s first award as a producer. It was made up of four guys, all of whom were insanely good dancers. Two members were Chinese and Jackson enjoyed practicing his rusty Mandarin with The8 and Jun during recording. “They’re so talented too. They wrote most of their tracks and had a clear idea of what they wanted.”

“Youngjae wrote a few tracks on his last album.” Jaebum said, looking at Youngjae with an expression that Jackson could only describe as soft. It was almost…pride? Jackson had never seen such an expression on Jaebum’s face to give him a reference. 

He turned to Youngjae with his eyebrows raised. “Really?”

Youngjae gave him a humble smile. “Jaebum-hyung helped me so much, but it was a lot of fun.”

Jackson’s eyes flicked to Jaebum who shook his head. “All the ideas were Youngjae’s.”

“I’m sorry I haven't had time to listen to your whole album yet. Tell me about it.” Jackson asked which set Youngjae into a speech about the process he went through to write his own music, about how he struggled with melody and lyrics and how he wanted to give up so many times but how Jaebum was patient with him and was always there to support him, and how even if he didn’t agree with Youngjae’s ideas, Jaebum always suggested things that were similar enough that Youngjae still felt like the songs were his.

It was incredible hearing about this Jaebum. Jackson had never met him. The Jaebum he’d worked with wasn’t exactly mean or rude to artists, but he certainly was stoic. He was straight and didn’t sugar coat things, simply telling the artists what he wanted and how he wanted it done differently if it didn’t meet his standards. 

He was tempted to ask if they were talking about the same Jaebum when Jackson’s phone rang, vibrating against his thigh. He pulled it out of his pocket and frowned when he read Mark’s name across the screen. He looked at Youngjae and Jaebum. “Sorry, I should take this. It was good seeing the both of you again. Congrats on your album, Youngjae. I’ll make sure to listen to everything and let you know what I think.” He said, ruffling Youngjae’s hair affectionately as he stood.

“You too.” Jaebum murmured, his eyes on Jackson. 

Jackson moved to a corner away from speakers to be able to hear. “Mark?” He said as he picked up. 

“Hey, just wanted to let you know I’m leaving.” Mark said in English.

“What?” Jackson shouted, replying in English as a habit. “Mark, we got here like fifteen minutes ago! You spent more time getting dressed than you have at this party!”

“Yeah, but I only came to talk to Jinyoung. I have, and he was lovely, and now I’m leaving.”

“Oh hell no. Where are you?” He asked, standing up on his tiptoes as he scanned all the people in the room for the familiar ash blonde head of his roommate. “You are not allowed to leave yet. At least talk to  _ one  _ other person so that it isn’t blatantly obvious that you came here to talk to Jinyoung.”

Mark sighed. “Fine. I’m by the door. You probably know everyone here anyway, come introduce me to people and I’ll stay.”

Jackson forced Mark to talk to various people that Jackson knew, with Jackson doing most of the talking. He seemed to enjoy himself in the end though and that was enough for Jackson not to argue when two hours later Mark said he was leaving.

Jackson told him to say goodbye to Jinyoung on his way out, making the tips of Mark’s ears blush as he snuck towards the door.

Jackson stayed far longer, enjoying being able to catch up with a lot of people that he hadn’t seen for so long, including Jinyoung himself. He even ended up actually running into Jooheon a few hours later. He’d forgotten Jaebum was even there until he was leaving. It was almost three in the morning and the party had dwindled, the majority of the people having already left or finding their way out. 

Jackson finished tidying most of the mess in the kitchen, throwing out empty food platters, paper plates and cups and neatly organizing any empty beer bottles and cans for recycling. No one deserved to wake up to a mess after their birthday, regardless of the fact that he knew Jinyoung had a cleaner. 

He was looking for the birthday boy to say goodbye when he ran into Jaebum in the hallway. “Hyung, you’re still here.” He’d expected Jaebum to pull a Mark and get out of there hours ago.

“Just leaving now.” Jaebum replied.

“Oh, uh, get home safe.” Jackson said, feeling some of awkwardness creep back in.

“You too.” Jaebum said as he headed towards the door.

“Have you seen Jinyoung?” Jackson asked him before he left. “I want to say goodbye.”

Jaebum raised his eyebrows before glancing down at his watch. “It’s almost three a.m.”

“Okay?” Jackson frowned. He’d asked for Jinyoung, not the time. 

“Jinyoung cares about two things more than anything else in the world: holding a grudge far beyond what most people consider a reasonable amount of time, and getting a full eight hours of sleep. I bet you my home studio that he’s been in asleep for at least two hours already, party or no party.”

Jackson blinked in surprise before laughing. He had not been expecting sarcastic humour from Jaebum. He had to admit that it was a pleasant surprise, as was the beautiful smile Jaebum sent him as Jackson tried to smother his surprised laughter at the thought of Jinyoung sleeping down the hall from his own birthday party. “I can see that actually.” Jackson remarked, still amused, as he got himself back under control. “Well then I guess I’m headed out too.”

“Do you still live near me? Want to share a cab?”

Jackson stared at Jaebum. 

Jaebum remembered that Jackson lived near him? Jackson was sure he’d mentioned it more than once, especially on cold or rainy days when Jackson tended to whine about the twenty minute walk from his house to Jaebum’s. He hadn’t realized that Jaebum actually  _ listened _ to him when he talked though. Usually Jaebum would just grunt whenever Jackson paused and he would just stop talking assuming that the older man wasn’t really listening.  

Then there was the entirely different surprise that was the offer itself. Jaebum was not one to share anything, not his studio, his food, nothing. Jackson had always wondered how much it bothered Jaebum having Jackson in his home, if that was part of the reason he was an ass all the time. 

Jaebum offering to share something with Jackson was startling. Even if it was just a cab, nothing remotely personal or something Jaebum even owned. But it was an offer to share his time, since Jackson lived closer so Jaebum would be dropping Jackson off first. Jaebum considered  _ nothing _ more important than his time. Which might have been fair since the man was so busy and he just never seemed to have enough hours in the day. 

Who was this Jaebum in front of him? Smiling at him with that smile and asking to spend more time with Jackson? 

If someone had asked him yesterday if he knew Jaebum well he would have answered yes and then proceeded to list a million different things that he knew about the man, like his love of spicy food or the fact that he rubbed his temple when he was angry or frustrated. 

But now? Jackson wondered how he could know so much about a man and yet so little at the same time. 

Jackson wanted to know more about the man in front of him, beyond the asshole he used to work for. He wanted know more about the Jaebum who teased Jinyoung about going to bed early at his own birthday party. He wanted to know more about the Jaebum who helped Youngjae write his own music. He wanted to know more about the Jaebum who  _ smiled _ like that. 

An answer slipped through his lips before he’d fully thought it through. “Sure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK. I honestly re-wrote portions of this chapter at least 3 times. I'm not 100% happy with it, but I think if I make myself write it again, it'll drive me crazy. 
> 
> I was so surprised and happy with all the positive feedback you guys left on chapter 1 and I'm SO glad you enjoyed it. I really hope the rest of this doesn't let you all down. Please keep letting me know what you think! I'll try and stick to Wednesday as update day for future postings.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the Markjin I threw in there. They're cute. Also bonus points for those of you who figured out that ZERO is the performance unit from Seventeen. I feel like they're underappreciated. (ZERO is the name of Dino's solo song if anyone was wondering or cares).
> 
> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed!


	3. Chapter 3

Fifteen minutes later Jackson was regretting his decision. 

The silence in the cab was excruciating. 

Jackson kept drumming his fingers against his thigh just to do  _ something _ . Jaebum was absently spinning a ring he was wearing on his thumb and Jackson was pretty sure it was an indication of his own awkwardness.

Hell, even the cab driver kept shooting them glances in the rear-view mirror. He hadn't said anything to them after his first stabs at casual small talk went pitifully answered so now the car was just awkward and quiet.

Was Jackson just supposed to start talking? He could, god knew talking had never been a hard task for Jackson. But what was he supposed to say? The only thing Jackson really had to talk about was his work. And that would do nothing to ease his awkwardness because it would only remind him of how bad he felt about leaving the way he did. 

He could ask Jaebum about work, but that would either boil down to Jaebum asking  _ Jackson _ about his work in return or just highlighting the fact that whatever work he did, Jackson wasn't there to help him with it any more. Because he quit. Awkwardly. 

He was a minute away from just banging his head against the window in frustration when Jaebum spoke. “I'm craving meat. We should stop for barbecue.”

Jackson turned to look at him. He was literally  _ dying _ over there and Jaebum's solution was to spend more time together?

He must have taken too long to respond because Jaebum told the driver to pull over and let them out. 

Looked like Jackson and his former boss were going out for barbecue. At three in the morning. 

He climbed out of the car, thanking the driver as he went. He was about to reach for his wallet when Jaebum leaned through the passenger window and passed the driver a few bills before turning to Jackson. “Let’s go.”

He thanked Jaebum as well and then the two entered the restaurant. It was still relatively busy given it was the middle of the night, but Jackson didn't notice if there were many other places to eat that were open at this time of night besides this one. 

They found an empty booth and Jaebum grabbed the menu card, scanning the different types of meat and sides that were available. “What do you feel like eating?”

Jackson shrugged, not really having a preference. “I'll have whatever you're having. Just the not spicy version.”

Jaebum looked up at him, a half smile quirking his lips. “You don't like spicy foods?”

“I like them just fine. They just don't like me.” Jackson replied. Which was true. Jackson had no problem with the flavours, but he'd start sweating almost immediately.

Jaebum just smirked at him before waving over the waitress to place their order. 

She left and Jackson chewed the inside of his lip, his fingernail lightly tracing grooves and patterns of the wooden table in front of him to avoid looking up at Jaebum. The silence that bothered him so much in the car continued and Jackson could only stand it for so long before he decided to just come out and say something. It wasn't going to get any less awkward and Jackson was apparently stuck having barbecue with the man so he may as well try to get this over with and enjoy it. 

He looked up at met Jaebum's eyes. “So how are things at JYPE?”

Jaebum leaned back against the backrest of his side of the booth. “I quit about two months after you did.”

Jackson's jaw dropped. “You  _ what _ ?” He asked, too loudly for the small restaurant. He slid lower into his seat as a few other patrons glanced their way. 

Jaebum just looked amused. “I quit.”

“Why?” He was their most successful producer. Jaebum could have asked them for  _ anything  _ and Jackson was sure they'd give it to him. What on earth could have happened that he felt the need to quit?

Jaebum looked down at the table. “Because they worked me so hard most days I barely felt like a human.”

Jackson flinched. He could remember thinking the same thing about Jaebum sometimes. When Jaebum would say something particularly cruel Jackson would wonder how the man could call himself human. 

Apparently he didn't. 

Jaebum looked up at him again. “Part of that was my fault. I never complained about how much work they gave me, or the unrealistic time frames they set for me. I like what I do, I enjoy always having something to work on. But it actually got worse after you quit, if you can imagine that. I had to work with a new assistant producer as well as a new engineer since apparently you were the only one they had on staff who could do both.”

Oh god. Jackson couldn't even imagine how much that would have bothered him. Not only one stranger in his house, but two. Two brand new people who had no idea any of Jaebum's triggers or rules or anything. 

It must have been a war zone.

“I had also moved back to the JYP studios. I didn't trust either of them in my apartment.” Jaebum continued.

Jackson perked up a little at that. He wasn't surprised in the slightest that Jaebum didn't like having strangers working out of his apartment. One of Jaebum’s hard rules was that any idol or manager that came into his apartment was only allowed in the studio and that they were never left alone without either Jaebum or Jackson with them. 

Jackson was somewhat proud to hear that Jaebum had trusted _him_ though. That Jaebum had another option if he wanted it, but that he was comfortable enough with Jackson to have him on his own in his house everyday. Sometimes for days on end. Jackson knew he was tolerated; Jaebum would have kicked him out early on if he wasn’t. But to hear that he was _trusted_ made his chest feel warm. 

“I asked for a few of the deadlines to be pushed back. Nothing unreasonable, just a few days. The longest I asked for was a week, but they said no.” He huffed out a laugh but it didn't hold any humour. “They implied that in asking for another week I was compromising the careers of those artists.”

Jackson sat back and raised his eyebrows, recalling  _ Jaebum _ implying something along those very same lines to  _ him _ not all that long ago.

Jaebum glanced at his expression and dropped his gaze to the table again. “Something I suppose you understand.” he said quietly.

Jackson’s eyes widened. Jaebum was admitting it? He had never done that before. There were days after Jaebum said or done something that had gone too far when he would be kinder to Jackson, let him leave early or let him participate more in the recording sessions and meetings. Jackson was pretty sure it was Jaebum’s way of acknowledging that he had been wrong and was trying to make up for it. 

But he'd never said sorry, never admitted out loud that he had been wrong, that he shouldn't have said what he did. 

Jackson opened his mouth to reply when the waitress came back with a large platter of meat and vegetables, setting it on the table and starting the grill for them before leaving. 

Jaebum started talking again the moment she was out of earshot as he pulled the meat platter toward him and organized the tongs on his side of the table, clearly intending to do the grilling himself. “So I quit.” He began. “I just… I don't know, had enough I guess? I was so tired, tired of snapping at people all the time, tired of spending more time at the studio than I did at home, tired of being  _ tired _ all the time.” He paused and an expression Jackson couldn't decipher fell across his features. “I was starting to not like producing anymore.”

Jackson hurt. He hurt for the expression on Jaebum’s face, a kind of pained sadness. He hurt for the words Jaebum was saying as they were things he found himself thinking on very rare occasions. He hurt at the thought of someone as talented as Jaebum thinking of leaving the music industry, at how immense a loss that would have been. 

“But you still work with JYP artists?” Jackson said, leaning his arms on the table. Youngjae had told him barely six hours ago how Jaebum had helped him write his last album. The title track of Jinyoung's comeback a few months ago was one of Jaebum's songs—the one that had been frustrating Jaebum when Jackson had quit. The finished version had exceeded Jackson's already high expectations. 

A smile lit Jaebum's face, unlike any smile that Jackson had seen on him yet. “I started my own production company. Defsoul Productions.”

Jackson's face split into a mirroring smile. “That's amazing! The name is incredibly uncreative, especially for you, but that's honestly so cool hyung.”

Jaebum rolled his eyes but the smile stayed glued to his face. “I work freelance for JYPE now. I still have to follow their deadlines, which can still be unrealistic at times, but I have control over how many artists I work with, and who they are. I have my own staff too. That took a while but I finally have an assistant producer and an engineer that I'm comfortable with. I have a part time arranger too, but I only work with her when Woozi is unavailable.”

Jackson felt his smile grow wider. Jaebum looked so happy talking about his new business that it was hard for him not to smile back. It was clearly good for Jaebum. He looked and sounded healthier and Jackson knew that it would only improve the quality of his work. He felt a pang of regret that he hadn't kept up with Jaebum's work in all the months since he'd quit. 

He didn't exactly avoid anything Jaebum did, he still followed some of the artists he'd become friends with and made sure to listen to their new releases regardless of the fact that he knew Jaebum had produced them. But he didn't go out of his way to find everything he'd released either. 

“I'm happy for you hyung.” Jackson told him honestly.

Jaebum just sent him a smile, that same beaming smile that left Jackson breathless back at Jinyoung's, before starting to prepare the grill for the meat. “So how is your new company? Please tell me they treat you better than I did.”

Jackson didn't know how to answer that and sat quietly for a moment, grasping for a reply. The obvious answer was yes, but Jackson didn't want to just come out and say it. Especially after Jaebum had expressed how hard he was finding things back then. 

Jaebum flicked his gaze toward him and his expression softened. “You can say it. It's okay. I was a terrible boss.”

“Only sometimes.” Jackson compromised. Which was true. Most of the time Jaebum just did his own thing and Jackson did _his_ own thing and they would only talk to each other about work related things whenever it was necessary. It was only occasionally that Jackson really hated working for him. 

Jaebum sent him a small smile and went back to adding cuts of meat to the grill. 

“The new company is great though. I was promoted to full producer after three months. They give their artists more freedom than JYP does so a lot of the artists come in with melodies or ideas in mind already. It's been really fun to help them mold their ideas into songs. I've been assigned to work with artists or groups that have more of a hip hop or R&B feel to their music.”

“That sounds like something you would be good at.” Jaebum commented, not looking up at him as he arranged meat and veggies on the grill like they were tetris pieces in an attempt to fit as much on as he could. 

Jackson felt his cheeks warm and he looked down at the table to hide a pleased smile. Jaebum didn't offer compliments all that often but when he did he just threw them out there so casually that it always caught Jackson off guard. 

“Tell me more about the artists you work for. Have I heard of any?”

Jackson could have talked for days about work, especially with someone who understood what he was talking about. Mark was great at listening to Jackson’s work stories but he just didn’t  _ get _ how awesome it was when a singer nailed a nine note run in two beats. Or how annoying it was when group members decided to be backseat producers and chime in with conflicting ideas  _ during _ recording sessions.

But Jaebum  _ got _ it. Jackson had been working with him for so long that they had similar styles, similar things they found impressive and annoying. He hadn’t realized how much he needed someone else to talk to about work. He had friends at work that he was close with, but he would never talk about his co-workers or their idols with other co-workers in case it came back to bite him in the ass. He enjoyed finally being able to fully vent and share all his honest opinions with someone who he knew would understand and Jaebum gave him all the reactions he was looking for.

It went both ways, Jaebum chiming in with stories of his own about his own staff and idols. He had Jackson in tears from laughing so hard at his impression of a solo artist who was preparing for debut but who couldn’t control her face while singing and her eyebrows kept going up and down with the melody.

It was honestly the most fun that Jackson had had in a long time and both chose to stay and continue talking long after the food was cooked and eaten. They only left because the restaurant closed at five and because both of them were reaching the point of exhaustion. They were both fairly used to all-nighters and this one was far less stressful than what they were used to, but they both had limits on how long they were willing to stay awake.

Jackson dozed off in the cab on the way home, Jaebum shaking him gently when they stopped in front of his building. 

Considering how hesitant Jackson was to get into a cab with Jaebum earlier, he found himself strangely reluctant to leave this one. It was absurd but he felt kind of like he was in some kind of alternate dimension. One where Jaebum wasn’t an asshole and where Jackson honestly thought they could become really close. He had fun tonight; he genuinely enjoyed talking with Jaebum, making him laugh and being surprised by the  humour he hadn’t known Jaebum had possessed. He didn’t want to leave only to find out that it was a one time only occurrence. 

He looked over at Jaebum to find him giving Jackson a soft, sleepy smile. “Goodnight Jackson-ah.”

Jackson’s heart did this weird flip/ squeeze thing that Jackson told himself was just a mixture of shock combined with exhaustion. Jaebum had never called Jackson so affectionately before and Jackson honestly wasn’t sure at all what to do with it now. 

“Night hyung.” He replied simply before sliding out of the cab and making his way up to his apartment.

His clothing and hair smelled like barbecue smoke and he definitely needed a shower but Jackson was far too tired for that. He just stripped on his way through his room, leaving his clothing on the floor where they fell, before face planting onto his bed in only his boxers. He set his phone on the bed beside him and stared at it.

He was exhausted but he couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t stop staring at his phone.

After almost half an hour Jackson sat up and grabbed it, unlocking it and pulling up the message thread he had had with Jaebum that he hadn’t looked at in months but still kept for reasons beyond him. 

**_I had fun tonight. Same time next week?_ **

He set the phone down and crawled under the covers. Jaebum generally barely looked at his phone so Jackson wasn’t expecting a reply for at least a day or two. Which was why he jumped when his phone vibrated barely a minute later.

_**I’m not meeting you at three am for barbecue Jackson.  Make it a reasonable hour and I’m in.** _

Jackson put down his phone and buried his face back in his pillow, falling asleep almost immediately with a smile on his lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you all enjoyed the new chapter!!
> 
> Funny story, I almost didn't get this finished for today. I set aside time over the weekend that I planned to use for writing this chapter. And I'm sure you're thinking 'oh, she ended up watching kpop vine compilations on Youtube or something instead' and while you'd normally be right, NOT THIS TIME. I did plenty of writing. It just wasn't this. I wrote over 2000 words on an entirely new Jackbum fic and over 1000 words on a ship for a different group that I've been slowly working on.
> 
> I have a problem. Someone save me. 
> 
> If anyone is curious or still bothering to read this, the new Jackbum fic is this supernatural/ fantasy thing. I don't know how to describe it. Jaebum is a god. It'll probably end up being a long-ish oneshot by the time I finish it. And the ship for the other fic is a Changlix from Stray Kids. If anyone wants to read either of them let me know and I'll add them to the list I have going on fics to finish (if I can focus long enough to actually get them done. I'm trying. I promise).
> 
> Thanks again for all the kudos and comments!! I love seeing what you guys think.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter kicked my ass. I wrote about half of it before I realized that I hated it and then deleted it and started over. I'm honestly still a bit hesitant to post it because I still feel like it might be a bit of a mess. I really hope you enjoy it.

It became their routine. Every Saturday night Jackson and Jaebum would go out for barbecue and unwind, sharing stories form their week and just enjoying each other's company. They found another restaurant that was closer to both their apartments and it became their place. Sometimes the two would bring Mark and Jinyoung along for what Jinyoung would call 'double dates’ which made Jackson laugh, Jaebum roll his eyes and Mark turn the colour of a tomato. 

It was easily the best part of his week, something that he found himself looking forward to more and more as the weeks passed. Jackson was astounded how spending time with Jaebum, which used to be something he dreaded, became the one thing that grounded him every week. The thing that let him take a deep breath and just unpack everything that happened, good or bad.He always walked home with a smile on his face, looking forward to the next week.

Jaebum was an entirely different person than Jackson thought he was and while he regretted not taking the time to figure that out sooner, he was incredibly grateful that he had accepted Jaebum's offer to share a cab all those weeks ago. 

As  he spent more time with Jaebum, he started recognizing small expressions or gestures the other man made: the look of focus on Jaebum’s face that he’d get sometimes when grilling each week was familiar; it was the way he used to look at the computer screen when listening to tracks for flaws or imperfections.

Sometimes a loud group of people would be at the restaurant next to them and Jaebum's jaw would clench when they would do something particularly obnoxious. It was the expression Jackson was used to seeing before Jaebum snapped at him. 

Sometimes Jackson would order an extra side or a different meat that he knew Jaebum liked and Jaebum would send him a surprised little smile, the same one he used to make when Jackson had brought him food he’d made instead of just getting him ramen.

Despite the fact that all those little things reminded Jackson of a person that he honestly hadn’t liked all that much, he found them to be a little reassuring. It helped him merge the Jaebum that he used to know with the new one that he was getting to know. It made him feel almost comforted that all the time he’d spent uncovering Jaebum’s likes and dislikes, figuring out his personality and learning to read his  expressions hadn’t gone to waste. It made him realize that  _ this _ Jaebum, the one who was rapidly becoming one of Jackson’s best friends, had probably been there all along; he’d just been whittled down to anger and frustration and exhaustion by his inhumane workload. 

Jackson wasn't entirely sure what changed, when it changed or who changed it but gradually it wasn't just barbecue on Saturdays. It was also coffee breaks on a Tuesday when they realized that both of them had some free time. It was shopping for sound equipment on a Friday because Jackson needed a new microphone for his studio at work and he trusted Jaebum’s opinion more than the other engineers he worked with. They even went grocery shopping together sometimes. It became natural for Jackson to see Jaebum a few times a week, and they texted or spoke on the phone everyday.

They developed new habits with one another too. Whenever Jackson said or did something that annoyed Jaebum, instead of making a sharp remark or yelling as he’d done in the past, Jaebum simply grabbed the back of Jackson's neck and give him a gentle shake and would move on like nothing has happened as long as Jackson stopped whatever it was he'd done.  

There was seemingly only one thing that they didn’t agree on. Skinship. Jaebum was someone who didn’t appreciate other people touching him which was difficult  for Jackson, who often showed his affection through physical touch. Jackson often found himself aborting hugs, jerking back his arms from midair or lifting his head off Jaebum's shoulder when he felt the muscles tense under his cheek.

Eventually they both seemed to naturally compromise. Jackson tried to find smaller ways to attach himself to Jaebum and Jaebum stopped shaking him off as frequently. 

One of Jackson’s favourites started completely accidentally. The two were checking out a local street fair one weekend and Jaebum was walking slowly, looking around at everything being offered. That normally would have been fine with Jackson, but he’d heard about this popular bun place he wanted to try that sold out fast. Jackson just wanted Jaebum to walk faster so he grabbed Jaebum’s wrist to pull him along, forgetting to let go once they got to the bun place. They walked around the street fair for almost an hour like that before Jackson realized he was still hanging onto Jaebum’s wrist. 

It became a habit from then on, whenever they were walking somewhere Jackson would wrap his fingers loosely around Jaebum’s arm, his palm pressed to the inside of Jaebum’s wrist. Jaebum rarely complained or shook Jackson off. Occasionally Jackson would even catch a fond smile on his face for a fleeting moment.

Their whole friendship was entirely unexpected but Jackson found that he enjoyed every minute of it. 

But then he had to go and ruin it.

“I'm going to release an album.” Jaebum had announced virtually out of nowhere when the two were at a new bubble tea place that had opened up around the corner from Jackson’s apartment. 

Jackson had looked over at him. “Hyung, you apparently haven't noticed, but you release albums all the time. It's literally your job.”

Jaebum chuckled. “No, dumbass, I'm going to release  _ my _ album. Of me. I have a handful of songs that I've written but that I didn't want to give away to other artists because they were too personal or I was too attached to them. I've decided that I want to record them and release my own album.”

Jackson's jaw was on the floor. “You… Seriously?”

Jaebum glanced down at his drink, his fingers playing idly with his straw in a gesture Jackson was now able to recognize as nervous. “You don't think it's a good idea?”

Jackson immediately started shaking his head and he leaned forward, elbows on the table. “No! That wasn't what I meant. I was just surprised, that's all. I honestly think it's a phenomenal idea.”

Jaebum was  _ so _ talented. He one of the most talented people that Jackson had ever met and sometimes Jackson thought it was such a shame that no one else really knew him. Fans adored their favourite idols and gushed about the new tracks without realizing that Jaebum was the man behind them, behind writing the words and music and coaching the artist to sing them as well as they did. Jackson never really thought that his own work as a producer needed recognition, but he had always thought that Jaebum's did. He did so much for so many artists, he had helped make so many careers and yet so few knew the name Defsoul. 

However he knew Jaebum well enough now to know that Jaebum would hate the lack of privacy and recognition that would come with fame. He would hate having fans swarming him everywhere and not having the freedom to move or breathe. Sometimes Mark or Jinyoung would be recognized when they all went out for dinner and it made Jaebum uncomfortable and frustrated having cameras pointed in their direction or fans coming up and talking to them.

“I can’t wait to hear it.” Jackson continued honestly. He’d come the closer than most to hearing what kind of album Jaebum would put out considering how many guide tracks he’d recorded of Jaebum. But those were just guide tracks. Jackson gave himself goosebumps thinking about how incredible Jaebum would sound with full and complete arrangements and when Jaebum was actually pushing himself vocally. 

“I want you to produce it.” Jaebum said seriously.

Jackson stilled, ice freezing his lungs and his heart rate doubling for reasons that he didn’t even understand. “No.” He said firmly.

Jaebum frowned. “Why not?”

“I don’t want to.” Jackson said, pushing back in his chair and looking away from Jaebum, playing with the tapioca at the bottom of his drink and hoping to end the conversation there.

Of course Jaebum wasn’t going to let it go. “Jackson, come on, why not? We can work around your schedule; I don’t have a deadline for this project. It won’t take up too much of your time all at once.”

No... That wasn’t what was bothering Jackson.

“I don’t want to do it.” Jackson said, not looking up.

“But why? You’re the obvious choice. You know my studio and equipment. You’ve recorded me plenty before for all the guide tracks we made. You’re more familiar with my voice than anyone else in the industry. You have a ton of experience producing now and you're the one who is most familiar with my style. It makes the most sense for you to produce for me.”

Jackson tried to take it as a compliment. Jaebum had clearly put some thought into who he wanted to produce his album and Jackson wanted to be flattered that Jaebum had chosen him. But he wasn't flattered. He was panicked.

“Hyung, just drop it. I’m not working for you again.” He snapped.

Ah.  _ That _ was it. Jackson didn’t want to work for Jaebum again. 

It had nothing to do with the comment Jaebum had made that prompted Jackson to quit so long ago; Jackson knew now that Jaebum hadn’t meant that. It was the fact that Jackson hadn’t liked Jaebum when they worked together. He was harsh and rude and occasionally cruel and Jackson hadn’t wanted to be around him for long. 

Jackson didn’t want to hate Jaebum again. He didn’t want to lose the person who had come to mean so much to him and, for whatever reason, Jackson was terrified that working with him again might bring out that version of Jaebum once more. 

Emotions flickered across Jaebum’s face, but each one was so fleeting that Jackson was only able to pick out a few: shock, anger, hurt. His expression settled into one that was clearly trying to be blank but Jackson could see the tension in Jaebum's jaw and knew he'd screwed up. 

He sat there, trying to figure out how to fix things but he came up with nothing. He hated upsetting Jaebum but he couldn't say that he would do the album. He'd make it up to Jaebum some other way but he  _ couldn’t _ risk their friendship. 

The silence was tense and Jackson couldn't recall them being this awkward since that cab ride home from Jinyoung’s all those months ago. It was like they'd taken a giant step back. 

Time. Time would help, Jackson thought. They needed to cool down and then Jackson could apologize. Jaebum would surely understand. Jackson could name at least five other talented producers who worked at JYPE who would fall over themselves to have the chance to work for Jaebum. It didn't have to be Jackson and he was confident Jaebum would realize that. 

So when Jackson's phone vibrated with an incoming work email, he did something he'd never done before. He'd told Jaebum it was important and pushed to his feet. He told Jaebum they'd talk later and then he walked out of the restaurant.

**。。。**

 

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since Jackson had left Jaebum at the bubble tea place and he hadn't seen Jaebum once. Jackson spent three days trying to come up with an apology for acting like a crazy person for no reason but then Jaebum had texted him, cancelling their Saturday barbecue because of work. 

They  _ never _ cancelled Saturday barbecue. Not in the three months since they'd started it had either of them ever said they wouldn't make it. Jackson panicked. Jaebum must have been genuinely mad at him to do that and whatever half-assed apology Jackson had been thinking of wasn't going to be enough. 

But he didn't know how to make it up to him without producing the album, which he was still irrationally afraid of. So he'd cancelled a movie they'd planned to see and they hadn't spoken to one another since. 

Jackson hated it. He hated not talking to Jaebum. He hated not being able to text him stupid things or stories made up of only emojis and see if Jaebum could figure out what he was saying. He was finally getting better at it. 

Jackson missed calling Jaebum when he was bored. Jaebum had just started leaving Jackson on speaker when he wasn’t working with an artist, continuing with whatever he was doing, just letting Jackson talk at him. Sometimes Jaebum would call him when he was working with idols Jackson was close with and let Jackson help produce from the other end of the phone for a little while. 

But not anymore. 

Jackson hated not seeing Jaebum, not hearing his voice or his laugh. Not being able to talk to him and get his advice.

But he didn't know how to fix it. Jaebum was mad and Jackson knew better than anyone what Jaebum was like when he was mad. But _silence_ was not what he was used to. Jaebum did get quiet when he was mad. Angry Jaebum was loud and aggressive and Jackson had learned how to handle that. A quiet angry Jaebum was foreign to him and Jackson was at an utter loss at what to do about it. 

The only thing that kept him relatively sane was work. His company was working on a collaboration between their most popular idol, Yugyeom, and Jinyoung from JYP. Jackson had been asked to produce the track because he'd been an assistant producer for Yugyeom when he'd first started and he'd been an assistant producer for Jinyoung several times when he still worked for Jaebum. 

He spent most of his free time either on the phone talking to management from both artists, searching through recent albums to see what the idols we're currently putting out and listening to the guide track for the song, jotting down ideas for what he had in mind for when the teams from both idols met. 

Jackson hadn't even considered that Jinyoung had heard about his and Jaebum’s stalemate until the idol had walked into the meeting room and given Jackson  _ The Look.  _ He didn't say anything though until the meeting broke  for lunch. “Let’s go out.” He said, grabbing Jackson’s arm and pulling him from the studio. 

Jackson let him because he’d learned long ago that trying to dissuade Jinyoung from anything he’d set his mind to was pointless. 

Jackson was also willing to admit to himself that he was a bit desperate for any news about Jaebum. 

They ended up at a cafe not too far away from the building, tucked away in a corner so fans wouldn’t see Jinyoung with Jackson going up to get food for both of them to decrease the amount of people who could recognize Jinyoung.

“So what’s happening with you and Jaebum?” Jinyoung had asked, the second Jackson returned to his seat with both of their orders.

Jackson slid Jinyoung’s sandwich over to him and sighed. “I’m honestly impressed you waited this long to ask me that.” 

Jinyoung kicked him in the shin. “Answer the question.”

“He wanted me to produce an album he wants to make with his own music. I don’t want to, so I said no. He kept pushing it and I got mad and left. He cancelled our weekly barbecue dinner and then I cancelled plans we had to go to see a movie and we haven’t really talked much since.” Jackson said, wondering if his tone made it obvious how miserable he was.

“Why don’t you want to produce it?” Jinyoung asked.

“I have a job and a life. I don’t have time for it.” Jackson lied.

Jinyoung raised an eyebrow in that way of his that always made Jackson feel like he’d done something wrong. “Jackson, not even a month ago you texted Jaebum that you were bored and had nothing to do twelve times in the span of half an hour.”

Jackson blinked. How did Jinyoung know that.

“And then you whined that he wouldn’t text you back and entertain you.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Jackson said, telling half of the truth. In all honesty, Jackson had developed the tendency to spam text Jaebum when he was bored pretty quickly into their friendship and had done it so many times that he genuinely couldn’t recall which time Jinyoung was referring to.

Jinyoung kicked him again. “That’s not why you won’t produce his album.”

Jackson turned his gaze to the table where his fingers were playing absently with the paper wrapping off his straw. “No, it’s not.” He agreed.

Silence fell as Jinyoung waited for Jackson to continue and Jackson continued to play with the straw wrapper. Jackson couldn’t figure out how to explain himself without sounding stupid. Realistically Jackson knew that Jaebum’s behavior back then was not because of any particular personality flaw but was born from too much work and not enough downtime or sleep. Jackson  _ knew _ that. He knew Jaebum now and knew that Jaebum would never treat him like that again. But he couldn’t bring himself to put himself back in a position where there was even a microscopic chance that it would happen again. He didn't want to walk away from Jaebum again.

“Sseun-ah.” Jinyoung sighed. 

Jackson looked up at him, throwing the now crumpled straw wrapper on to the table and leaning back in his chair. “I don’t want to work for him again because the last time I worked for him he was a jerk and I don’t want my Jaebum to turn into that  _ asshole  _ again, okay?”

Jinyoung stared at him for a moment. “Your Jaebum?” He asked quietly. 

Jackson paled instantly. Shit. He’d really said that out loud hadn’t he? 

He’d thought it before. Embarrassingly enough, he’d often referred to the current Jaebum as  _ his _ . It was stupid, but this was the version of Jaebum that Jackson wanted to be around, that he wanted to keep. So somehow that meant that it was  _ Jackson’s _ version of Jaebum even though Jackson was fully aware that Jaebum in no way belonged to him.

Jinyoung’s expression softened but he didn’t comment further, which Jackson considered somewhat of a miracle. “I’m still not sure where ignoring him fits into this plan of yours.”

Ha, Jinyoung thought he had some kind of a plan here? “Jaebum is the one who cancelled first. I assume he’s mad at me and I just haven’t figured out how to apologize yet.”

“You could apologize by telling him you’ll be his producer.”

Jackson sent him a pained look. “Jinyoung…” He took a deep breath before speaking again. “I don’t understand where the sudden urge to record this album even came from. He’s never mentioned recording anything before.”

Jinyoung leaned back in his seat. “Do you know how Jaebum and I met?”

Jackson frowned at the change of subject, but opened his mouth to answer anyway before pausing when he realized that he didn’t actually know the answer. “He was your first producer, wasn’t he?”

Jinyoung nodded. “That’s true, but that isn’t how we met. We were supposed to debut together, as a duo. We even had a name, JJ Project.” He laughed, seeming amused by his memories.

Jackson gaped at him. “You’re kidding. Jaebum was an  _ idol _ ?”

“He was a trainee to become one, but the plans changed before we debuted.” Jinyoung said. “We were then supposed to be a part of a group with five other members but that never really got past the planning stages and by then Jaebum had been bitten by the production bug and dropped out of training to pursue that instead. He’s never looked back and I honestly don’t think that he’s regretted it for a second, but…I think that he still has a small part of him that wants to be the one to release the songs that he writes. That was always his dream back then, to release an album solely made up of songs he had written. He’d never leave producing for performing, but I think that he needs this in order to check that empty box off of his list of unfulfilled dreams.”

Jackson thought about that for a moment, about a world where Defsoul was an idol instead of a producer. It wasn’t that Jaebum wasn’t talented enough; he had enough talent for  _ three _ people. And as Jackson had recently learned, he had a dry sense of humour and wasn’t afraid to laugh or poke fun of himself which would have served him well on variety shows. He could have seen Jaebum being very successful as an idol, had that been that path he’d chosen to take.

“Why does he want  _ me _ to produce it?” Jackson asked quietly. “He’s more than talented enough to self produce. He has a team that could record and arrange it for him.”

“He won’t record it if you aren’t producing it.” Jinyoung said simply.

Jackson whined. “Why?”

“Because the songs are his. He's biased. If he's going to do this then he's going to do it right and make sure he's releasing the best version of the songs that he can, not just his own personal preference for them. He wants someone else to produce to make sure that happens.”

“Why does it have to be  _ me _ ?”

“Because Jaebum trusts you far more than I have ever seen Jaebum trust another person.” Jinyoung leaned forward, his eyes serious as he looked at Jackson. “Those songs mean a lot to him if he kept them. The fact that he wanted  _ you _ to be the one to help him make this album, the one who decides how those songs are changed shows exactly how much trust he has in you. I don't think he would give anyone else that power.”

Fuck. Now Jackson felt like an asshole. Jaebum was giving him such an incredible opportunity, a show of trust that apparently impressed even Jinyoung, and yet Jackson didn't even trust him enough to be a decent human being in return. 

He groaned and dropped his head onto the table, wondering how he could ever make this up to Jaebum. 

Jinyoung gently patted his head. “Just tell him you'll do it and you'll be fine.” He said, apparently reading Jackson's mind. “For some reason he seems incapable of being mad at you for any length of time.”

Jackson sat back up and noticed how the cafe staff were looking at pointing at their corner. “I think you've been recognized. We should probably be going back before you get swarmed.”

Jinyoung swore and glanced over, grimacing when one of the staff gasped dramatically. “Let's go.” He agreed and the two of them grabbed their uneaten food to bring back to Jackson's studio to eat.

“You know, it's a little creepy how well you know Jaebum.” Jackson commented as they left the cafe.

Jinyoung snorted and adjusted his mask over his face. “Trust me, I know.”

 

**。。。**

 

Jackson was basically useless the rest of the day. He kept zoning out during the afternoon meetings, Jinyoung constantly elbowing him in the ribs to make him pay attention. He was sure he had bruises on his ribs and legs from just one afternoon with Jinyoung but he couldn’t stop thinking about Jaebum, if whether or not what Jinyoung said was true. If Jaebum really had that much faith, that much  _ trust, _ in him. 

Unfortunately for Jackson, everything he knew about Jaebum suggested it was. He knew Jaebum hated people in his apartment, he’d told Jackson that himself, but he’d given Jackson free reign of the place, even giving Jackson his own set of keys without batting an eye and let Jackson sleep in his spare room all the time.  At the time Jackson hadn’t realized how big a deal that was, but now he was kind of staggered at the level of trust Jaebum had in Jackson even though they’d only been working together a few months before he basically let Jackson move in with him.

He'd asked Jackson to record with him on the guide tracks. Now that he thought about it, the guide tracks Jaebum had let him listen to recently only featured Jaebum's voice. Jackson had assumed that it was because Jaebum's new staff didn't rap, but now Jackson was wondering if it might have been more than that.

For the first time in a long them, Jackson hated being at work. Jinyoung had beaten away the irrational corner of his brain that made him refuse and now all he wanted to do was go and apologize to Jaebum. To tell him that he wanted to produce the album. 

Jackson was itching at the opportunity to record Jaebum, to hear the songs Jaebum felt were too special to give away, to start actually recording and hearing the arrangements come together. He'd never been able to produce one of Jaebum's songs and he hadn't realized until now how desperately he wanted to. He was a fucking idiot for not jumping in with both feet when Jaebum asked him the first time. He would literally never get the opportunity to work with someone like Jaebum ever again and he couldn't believe he might have ruined his only chance. 

He tried not to overthink it. He tried not to think about how Jaebum might have found someone else. He tried not to think about how Jaebum might still be mad and say no. Jackson wouldn't have blamed him if he did; Jackson had been awful in reacting the way he had. 

The meeting with Jinyoung, Yugyeom and their teams seemed to go on forever, but even when it concluded and both idols left—Jackson  assuring Jinyoung he’d fix things— Jackson still had a series of deadlines the following day and wasn't able to leave yet. 

He headed back to his studio and went over the final versions of tracks that were preparing for release with his arranger, CB97—or Chan as Jackson called him. He was young but had incredible instincts and Jackson normally didn't have too many things to say about his work. 

Today, however, everything seemed to be against him and he and Chan spent almost two hours going over those tracks, tweaking them slightly in places he wasn't even sure the artist would notice but that made a big difference for Jackson before they both decided they were perfect. 

But then Jackson had to answer approximately a million emails that he'd been avoiding because he'd been working on the Jinyoung collaboration for the past few days. There were emails regarding everything from booking dates for upcoming work to guide tracks that management teams wanted Jackson's opinions on. Jackson had to read them all and make sure he sorted them by priority, answering the ones that couldn't wait till tomorrow. 

It was almost ten by the time Jackson left and he was a nervous wreck as he hailed a cab, giving them Jaebum's address. The only good thing about being swamped was that he hadn't thought much about what he was going to say to Jaebum since Jinyoung had left. But now he hadn't thought of what he was going to say to Jaebum and he was panicking. 

He should apologize. He'd acted like an ass and Jaebum didn't deserve that. But how was Jackson supposed to apologize without explaining why he was upset in the first place? He wasn't about to go up to Jaebum and tell him the truth. 

But then he was pulling up outside Jaebum's building and he realized he was out of time. 

Sighing, he thanked and paid the driver before entering the lobby. It was weird, having to look up the number to call up to Jaebum's apartment. He'd never had to do that before since Jaebum had handed him his own set of keys on the first day. 

Jaebum didn't answer. 

He didn't pick up the second time either. 

Frustrated, Jackson slid his phone out of his pocket. He knew it was late, but he doubted Jaebum was sleeping yet. He didn't want to just go home because this fight had been weighing on him for two weeks and Jackson just wanted it to stop. He wanted to see Jaebum again and he was not willing to wait another day to do it. 

He called Jaebum and waited an agonizing four rings before the man answered. “Jackson?”

“Are you home?” Jackson asked. 

“What? Yeah, why?”

“Then why didn't you answer the phone?”

“That was you?” Jaebum asked, sounding surprised. 

“Yeah.” Jackson said quietly, wondering what Jaebum would do next. Make some excuse and send Jackson away? Or let him up so he could give the apology he still hadn't figured out yet. 

“Call up again.” Jaebum said before hanging up on him. 

Relief flooded Jackson as he returned his phone to his pocket and grabbed the lobby receiver once more. Jaebum picked up on the first ring. He didn't say anything, but the door clicked open so Jackson hung up and headed inside. 

He had a small crisis in the elevator because still hadn't figured out what to say but when he got to Jaebum's apartment and Jaebum opened the door before Jackson even had the chance to knock he just blurted out the one thing he'd wanted to say the most. “I'm sorry. If you still want to make your own album, I want to produce it.”

Jaebum blinked at him and Jackson was terrified for a second that Jaebum was still mad at him or that he would tell Jackson that he'd found someone else to produce it and that everything Jinyoung had told him that afternoon had just been a pile of crap, but then Jaebum was smiling at him,  _ the _ smile. The one that went all the way up to his eyes and had the power to make Jackson do almost anything. 

He pulled Jackson in for a hug and Jackson pressed his face into Jaebum's shoulder, feeling like he could breathe again for the first time in two weeks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ......well? Hopefully it wasn't too bad? I originally started writing short little scenes of their first few weeks going out for dinner but honestly? It was just repetitive and did nothing to move the plot along. But then I had to figure out how to condense three months of their evolving friendship into a few paragraphs without making it seem rushed or unnatural. I hope I managed to accomplish that?
> 
> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading and for the kudos and comments! ♡


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE. Look who's posting on a Tuesday. But I'll be busy tomorrow and probably won't have time to update and I don't want to make you wait till Thursday so I have this chapter for you a day early this week! I hope you enjoy!! :)

The hug barely lasted long enough for Jackson to wrap his arms around Jaebum in return, but Jackson didn’t mind because Jaebum stepped back and tilted his head towards the living room, looking at Jackson with a question in his eyes.

Jackson shouldn’t. It was late and he’d had a long day and tomorrow wasn’t going to be any shorter but he hadn’t seen Jaebum in too long and that hug, while a pleasant surprise, was nowhere near enough to make up for the two weeks he'd spent without Jaebum. So he followed him inside, missing the smile on Jaebum’s face as he slid off his shoes and jacket.

He followed Jaebum down the short hallway to the living room, feeling slightly nervous. This was his first time in Jaebum’s apartment since he’d walked out of it over a year ago and it was really strange to be back. Despite all the time the two had spent together, they never went to the other’s homes, preferring to go out to eat or go somewhere in the city that neither of them had been to before

Jackson felt a bit uneasy being back.

He was also nervous about Jaebum. He had heard nothing from the man for two weeks. That wasn’t normal. Jaebum had obviously been angry or upset and despite having apologized Jackson wasn’t sure exactly where they stood. Jaebum didn’t seem mad; Jackson saw none of the usual signs that indicated anger. If anything, he looked happy as he dropped onto the couch and smiled up at Jackson.

That in and of itself was strange. In all the hundreds of hours Jaebum had spent in this place, he rarely saw Jaebum anywhere but his studio. He could recall a few times they met at the kitchen table to discuss things off of Jackson’s computer, but he honestly couldn’t think of a single time he’d seen Jaebum sitting on his own couch.

He crossed the room and sat at the other end of the couch, unsure of what he should say.

“So how was the day working with Jinyoung?” Jaebum asked, breaking the silence and turning on the couch so he was facing Jackson more.

Jackson felt a smile spread across his face. “Horrible. I have bruises.”

Jaebum laughed and Jackson relaxed a little bit more. He’d missed the sound of Jaebum’s laugh. "That sounds about right."

“I'd forgotten how much Jinyoung could say without actually saying anything at all.” Jackson continued.

“I know. He should have gone into acting instead. It's amazing the things he can convey with his eyebrows alone.”

They fell quiet. Jackson was grasping for anything else to talk about when a cat jumped over the arm of the couch next to him. “Nora!” Jackson cooed, picking up the Siamese and hugging her. “How is my favourite girl?”

Jaebum smiled as he looked at the two. “She missed you. She used to sleep in your room all the time after you quit.”

 _His room_. Why did it make Jackson feel almost giddy that Jaebum referred to his spare room as Jackson’s?

“She doesn’t like Jisung, my new assistant producer, anywhere near as much as she likes you.”

That probably had to do with all the snacks Jackson would drop for her as he was cooking. But he wasn’t going to tell Jaebum that.

They fell quiet again, but it wasn’t awkward as they both watched the cat nuzzle into Jackson’s hand and roll around on his lap.

Jackson had missed her. She used to jump on the kitchen table and play with the mouse he used, rolling on her back and batting his hand with her paws. It was a nice break to just stop and play with her for a few minutes. On rare occasions she’d sleep on his lap while he worked and he'd absently run his fingers through her fur every now and then. She was actually one of the things Jackson had missed the most after he quit.

Like all cats though, she was a peculiar creature and only tolerated being pet for a few moments before jumping off and trotting off somewhere else in the apartment.

Jackson looked over at Jaebum, planning to elaborate on his apology from earlier. Jaebum might not seem like he was mad, but that didn’t mean Jackson didn’t owe him an explanation for his behavior.

“Do you want to see some of the tracks I was thinking of for the album?” Jaebum asked, cutting off Jackson's train of thought.

Jackson blinked. “Sure.” How was he supposed to say no to that? When he wasn’t freaking out about Jaebum’s request, his thoughts were consumed by what songs Jaebum had that he had deemed too personal or too special to give away. He wasn’t about to turn down the chance to hear them finally.

Jaebum looked almost…nervous? Jackson had no idea why because he’d never heard anything that Jaebum had written that he hadn’t liked. He knew these tracks were important to Jaebum but Jackson saw no reason why he wouldn’t love these ones too.

Jaebum got to his feet and grabbed the laptop off of the kitchen table. Jackson noticed that it was the same place where he used to leave it and wondered if Jaebum’s new assistant still found it more productive to work out here too.

Jaebum returned to the couch and Jackson shuffled closer so that he’d be able to see the screen better. “How many do you have?” He asked as the computer was powering on.

“About nine.”

“About?” Jackson asked, amused. “You have half a song saved in there? One with no lyrics?” He teased.

Jaebum bumped him with his shoulder. “I have a few that I’ll still trying to figure out of I want to keep them or not.”

“Do you know what type of album you want to release?”

Jaebum shook his head before looking over at Jackson. “I wanted your opinion on that.”

“What exactly did you want to get out of it?” Jackson asked, genuinely curious about the answer. There were so many reasons for releasing an album: fame, recognition, money just to name a few. He honestly had no idea what Jaebum had in mind for this project. “Will you be doing music or variety shows or anything like that to promote it?”

“God no.”

Jackson laughed at the look of horror on Jaebum’s face.

Jaebum turned back to the computer, typing in a password that looked different from the one Jackson had used. “I don’t know, I just… I write a lot of music for a lot of different groups. I just kind of wanted people to hear _me_ this time.”

Jackson nodded. Recognition then. Jaebum had no desire to be famous; he just wanted to be heard. “Maybe a mini-album would be best then.” Jackson suggested.

Mini-albums generally had five to six tracks on them. They were popular for rookie groups who weren’t that well established yet as a way to check fan response, or for idols who wanted to try a different concept than their usual one. They were less expensive and less work than a full album.

Normally idols would only release maybe two or three tracks for their debut, but that was mostly in order to put something really catchy out to attract a fan base. Jaebum didn’t seem to care about a fan base, so releasing multiple tracks was probably fine. He didn’t really have enough tracks for full album, but Jackson thought that might be a bit much for a new artist anyway. Fans generally didn’t have a long attention span when listening to new artists which was why newer idols kept the track lists short.

Jaebum nodded. “I was leaning towards that myself.” He agreed.

Jackson waited as Jaebum opened a file that had a handful of mp3 files.

Jaebum sent a nervous glance toward Jackson, which Jackson pretended not to see, before pressing play. The room was filled with the sounds of a basic yet smooth R&B beat before Jaebum’s voice came in.

Jackson’s jaw dropped. “Holy shit.” He said, reaching across Jaebum to turn up the volume. “Holy _shit_.” He said again after he’d listened to it a little longer.

He turned and looked up at Jaebum who was looking back at him hesitantly. “Is that good or bad?” Jaebum asked.

“This is fucking _amazing._ ” Jackson said, awed. He’d been expecting something more along the lines of the pop, hip-hop or dance tracks that Jaebum had written so many of for other idols. He was _not_ expecting this rich, almost sexy sound. No wonder Jaebum had kept this song for himself, it fit his voice _perfectly._

“Are they all like this?” Jackson asked, going back to the folder with the rest of Jaebum’s tracks in them.

“Mostly, yeah.” Jaebum replied.

Jackson stared at him for a moment, his mind going through all the possibilities, all the different arrangements he wanted to try, how these tracks were going to sound when production was finished on them. “Oh my god hyung, your album is going to be so good.” He whispered.

Jaebum beamed at him, he even let out this excited little giggle that Jackson thought was the most adorable thing he’d ever heard. “Really?”

Jackson nodded before relaxing back into the couch. “Play another one.”

Jaebum did, his lips stuck in a smile as he played through the tracks he’d saved.

Jackson found himself blinking sluggishly by the fourth track. The combination of knowing that him and Jaebum were okay again and the soothing tone of Jaebum’s voice was making him sleepy. He turned slightly and leaned his cheek against Jaebum’s shoulder, nuzzling briefly into the warmth of the soft cotton hoodie Jaebum was wearing.

Jaebum stiffened underneath him and Jackson waited to be thrown off but Jaebum just shifted slightly, and then stilled.

A second later he paused the song. “Jackson?”

Jackson hummed in response, wondering if Jaebum was about to tell him to move.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Why did you change your mind about doing this?”

Oh. That wasn’t even close to what Jackson was expecting him to say, though he wasn’t surprised. He had been waiting for Jaebum to ask that the moment he’d entered Jaebum’s home. It was a valid question and he deserved an answer. Jackson would have been wrecked if Jaebum just got up and ran away from him without any word as to why or what he’d done.

He considered sitting up so that he could look at Jaebum while he explained, but he found that it was easier to stay where he was, finding the the warmth of Jaebum pressed against his side and under his cheek comforting. “I’m sorry.” Jackson started.

“You’ve already said that.” Jaebum pointed out gently. “I just want to know why. Why you said no and then ran away. Why you said yes now.”

Jackson bit his lip, wondering how to explain it in a way that wouldn’t ruin their friendship. How was he supposed to tell one of his best friends that he’d hated him? That he never wanted to see or talk to him again? That he probably wouldn’t even be sitting there next to him if Jaebum hadn’t been craving barbecue at three in the morning because Jackson would have been perfectly happy to go on with his life without Jaebum in it before that?

“When I used to work for you, I didn’t like you all that much.” Jackson confessed in a quiet voice. There was no one else in the apartment to hear besides the cats, but for some reason it was easier for him to say hard things if he spoke them quietly.

Jaebum twitched underneath his cheek, but Jackson didn’t lift his head to see what his expression was.

“It’s different now.” Jackson continued quickly. “You’re one of my favourite people and I missed you so much these past two weeks when we weren’t speaking. But I just… When you asked…" He wasn’t making any sense. He swallowed and shifted a little closer, like that would somehow soften the blow Jackson was about to deliver. “When you asked me to produce your album, all I could think of was that the last time I worked for you, I hated you. You were rude and obnoxious and you never really listened to the things that I said. You blamed me for things that weren’t my fault.” He said, his voice small and trailing off at the end.

Jaebum had become stone underneath him.

“I didn’t want our relationship to go back to that. I didn’t want to work for you because I was afraid that somehow we’d go back to how we used to be and I… I didn’t want that. You're important to me and I don’t want to lose you.” Jackson was practically whispering now.

Jaebum didn’t move or speak for a long time. Jackson’s heart was pounding so hard that he was surprised Jaebum couldn’t hear it. Had he just ruined everything anyways?  Was Jaebum angry that Jackson said those things about him? Was he upset that Jackson had thought so little of him?

Jaebum moved his arm out from underneath and Jackson tried to shrink away from him, thinking he was angry, when it fell across his shoulders, pulling him closer into Jaebum’s side in a hug. A second later Jaebum’s cheek fell on top of Jackson’s head. “I’m sorry.” Jaebum said, his voice barely audible.

Jackson was frozen. This was the second hug that Jaebum had initiated in the span of like an hour. Before tonight he’d barely let Jackson hug him at all, pushing him off gently before Jackson could fully get his arms around him. But here he was, hugging Jackson of his own free will.

Jackson liked it. He liked how warm Jaebum was. He liked that Jaebum was bigger and broader than he was. He even liked how Jaebum smelled, familiar and soothing.

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way, then and now. I… Well, I have a bunch of reasons for it but I’m sure you know most of what I’d say and honestly they don’t matter anyway. They don’t make up for the way I treated you. I’m sorry I made your life so miserable that you felt like you couldn’t trust me now.”

Jackson shook his head. “That’s… That’s not quite it.” He say, not sure how to explain it. On the surface, that _was_ it. But Jackson wasn’t afraid of Jaebum acting like an ass again. He was afraid of losing Jaebum because of it. Sure, it had been annoying and sometimes it weighed on him, but Jackson didn’t take most of what Jaebum had said personally, only letting the occasional comment slip under his skin. Jackson wasn’t afraid of assholes, he’d dealt with them his whole like and would no doubt continue to do so. He just couldn’t bear it if the asshole was _Jaebum._  Jackson didn’t know how to articulate that.

Jaebum didn’t wait for him to explain further before continuing. “I can’t promise I’ll be sunshine and rainbows all the time.”

Jackson snorted. Jackson was fond as hell of the man, but he would _never_ associate him with sunshine or rainbows.

Jaebum pulled his ear gently before continuing. “These songs mean a lot to me so I may fight you certain things you want to do to them if I don’t agree. I honestly don’t think I’m capable of treating you the way I did again, not when I know you so well now, but you need to call me out on things I do or say that you don’t like. Don’t let me treat you like that again. Don’t let it reach the breaking point where it breaks _us._  You’re important to me too, Jackson. I don’t want to lose you either.”

Jaebum paused, his fingers playing with the seam along the shoulder of Jackson’s long sleeved T-shirt absently. “I can find someone else.” He said quietly. “I mean, you were the only one I had in mind when I made the decision to do this, but not if the price is our friendship. If you still have any doubts, I’ll get someone else to produce the album for me.”

Jackson sat up just enough to glare at him. “Don’t you dare. I want to do this. Those songs are mine.”

Jaebum raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yours. Whatever.”

Jaebum smiled. “Okay.”

Jackson leaned back against Jaebum’s chest. “Okay. Now enough of the feelings crap before I start crying. Play another song.”

Jaebum laughed, the sound warm and happy, as he pulled his arm back, pushing Jackson off of him, apparently reaching his maximum skinship tolerance for the night. Not wanting to be away from him completely, Jacking tested his luck and rested his cheek against Jaebum’s shoulder again.

Jaebum let him.

The two finished listening to the tracks and then started talking out preliminary ideas, Jaebum typing a few of the ideas that they both agreed on since Jackson was half asleep and was pretty sure he wouldn’t remember them in the morning.

When the clock in the corner of the screen changed to midnight, Jackson sat up and stretched. “I should go. I’m exhausted and tomorrow is going to suck.”

“You can stay over if you want.” Jaebum said casually as he stood up to return the laptop, missing the surprised look Jackson directed at his back.

“I can’t. My arranger already loves to mock me for my lack of love life. I think he might explode if I show up for work tomorrow in the same clothes I wore today. We have too much to do tomorrow for him to interrogate me.”

“You still have some clothing here.”

Jackson’s eyes widened. “You kept them?”

Jaebum shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. “I honestly didn’t even know they were there until about six months ago when my parents came to visit. My mom found them and asked me about it. It took me a minute, but I recognized your blue sweater. You used to wear it a lot.”

Jackson had. It was one of his favourite shirts, the perfect mix of comfortable and professional. Jackson was shocked that Jaebum not only noticed, but remembered after all this time. The only thing Jackson remembered Jaebum wearing was a lot of black.

Jackson regretfully shook his head. “I should still be going home. I have some work there that I'll need for tomorrow.”

Jaebum nodded, his neck reddening, clearly embarrassed at having offered.

“Next time though.” Jackson said, getting to his feet.

Jaebum sent him a smile. “Sure.”

Jackson started walking towards the door.

“Wait, let me grab your contract for you to look over. You can give it back to me the next time we meet up if you’re happy with it.”

“Contract?” Jackson asked as Jaebum disappeared into the studio.

“Of course.” Jaebum said from inside the studio. He appeared again with a yellow legal-sized envelope in his hands. “Your time and experience are valuable. I’m not going to take advantage of you just because we’re friends.”

Jackson took the envelope and bit his lip before handing it back, shaking his head. “I’m doing this because I want to. Not because I expect you to pay me for it.”

Jaebum was doing this album entirely with his own money. Jackson didn’t know the figures on the contract but he knew Jaebum well enough that he was sure he planned on paying Jackson well, which would put him out quite a bit of money if the album wasn't successful. Jackson hoped it would be a huge success, he genuinely believed that it had the potential to be, but he wasn’t willing to let Jaebum take the chance. His songs were amazing and they were important to Jaebum and Jackson wouldn’t let them be tainted if Jaebum suffered a loss because of them.

Jaebum didn’t look happy and didn’t take the envelope. “Jackson—”

“No, I’m not compromising on this. I want to do this because I think the music you’ve written is amazing and deserves to be heard. I’m doing this because you’ve worked so hard for so long and I want people to know who you are, what you can do. I understand what you’re saying and I appreciate your offer, but I’m not accepting money from you to produce this album.” He gave Jaebum a grin. “Maybe I’ll reconsider for the next one.”

Jaebum studied him for a brief second before a smile that was almost...shy spread across his face. He ducked his head to hide it and when he looked up again it was gone. He took the envelope back this time. “Fine, I’ll cut out your rate per hour and per song but I’m still giving you your royalty percentage.”

Jackson nodded. That way Jackson would only make money if Jaebum did. “I’m fine with that.”

Jaebum nodded back and held up something else. “You can have these back, since you’ll be back here a lot.”

Jackson blinked at what Jaebum was holding before laughing. His keys to Jaebum’s building and apartment. They were even still on the stupid keychain Jackson had put them on, one he was given for free when he bought a new brand of ramen during a special promotion. It was of a beige cat with brown tipped paws and ears. It reminded him of Nora so he’d put it on the keys. He couldn’t believe Jaebum hadn’t taken it off.

He took the keys and put them back on his keyring so that they wouldn’t get lost before sliding on his coat and shoes. He opened the door and looked back at Jaebum. “We’ll talk soon?”

Jaebum nodded. “Of course. Get home safe.”

“Will do.” Jackson replied. He lingered before taking a deep breath. “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to do this album with you, and for forgiving me.”

Jaebum shook his head. “Jackson-ah, that’s my line. Thank you for giving me a second chance.”

“I haven’t regretted it once.” Jackson said honestly with a smile. “Goodnight hyung.”

“Goodnight Jackson.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! This actually wasn't where I was planning on taking this chapter but then I started writing it and Jackson sat down next to Jaebum and then the next thing I knew, this was what I ended up with. I'm happy with it though, so I kept it :)
> 
> Just an overall update, I have about 2-3 chapters left planned for this fic! So it will be coming to an end soon :'(
> 
> Kudos and comments are always SO appreciated ♡


	6. Chapter 6

They fell back into their routine relatively quickly. The only difference was that instead of going out, they were at Jaebum's apartment, looking through the tracks and discussing which ones they wanted on the album, ideas for arrangements and what the title track would be—not that they really needed one since Jaebum wasn't doing a promotional circuit, but it was a habit for both of them.

Instead of going out for barbecue on Saturdays, one of them would grab takeout and they'd stay in. Jackson took Jaebum up on his offer to stay over and he'd spend his weekends at Jaebum's. By the third week, Jackson was heading over just after breakfast and Mark started teasing that he and Jaebum shared custody of Jackson; Mark got him during the week and Jaebum had him on weekends. Jackson just rolled his eyes and told him to shut up.

He’d stayed over once during the week when he had a late start time the following day, but told himself he'd never do it again after he shuffled out of the spare room in the morning, unshaven and wearing only old sweatpants and a loose tank top, and ran into Jaebum's assistant Jisung working at the kitchen table.

Jisung had blinked at him, eyes wide with surprise. Then Jisung's expression changed and he sent Jackson a smirk and a “You must be Jackson.”

Jackson had no idea why he felt like he was doing some kind of walk of shame when he finally got dressed and said goodbye to Jisung later that morning but he told himself that he'd only stay over on weekends when there wouldn’t be a weird blur between personal and professional that he wasn’t quite ready to deal with.

He also learned quickly that producing for a producer was going to take much longer than he was used to. Idols, especially the ones he worked with now, had a moderate amount of ideas and suggestions for Jackson to consider, but _Jaebum_ … He hadn't been kidding when he said the tracks were important to him.

He wasn't anything like Jackson feared he’d be, he was never rude or insulting, but he was very protective of his music in a way that Jackson had never seen him be before. He made Jackson explain everything about six times before he would agree. He also had his own very clear ideas about what he wanted and could be incredibly stubborn about it when their ideas differed. They fought for almost four days because Jackson wanted to speed up one of the songs, only by about ten beats per minute, but Jaebum was having _none_ of it.

It took them about a month to get all the pre-production sorted out, which was a quite long for a mini-album. But Jackson honestly thought they did pretty well considering that they only really worked on it for two days a week, not to mention the amount of discussion that was involved in every decision. The album would have six tracks: Be With You, Sin, Bad Habit, Sunrise, Think of You and Holic, which would be the title track. The album would be called Defsoul.

Apparently Jaebum’s new assistant was decent at graphic design so he was going to design an album cover and put together a lyric video for Holic too, something that fans could go and look at since Jaebum didn’t want to do a music video.

They spent an entire weekend weighing the pros and cons regarding whether or not Jaebum should debut as Jaebum or as Defsoul but they eventually decided that if Jaebum really wanted to avoid fans invading his privacy, he should stick with Defsoul.

The track they started actually recording with was Sunrise, which was Jackson’s favourite track. He powered on all the equipment, deciding where he wanted the sound levels to be and making sure the microphone was programmed the way he wanted. Jaebum did vocal warm-ups in the recording booth while he did this which helped Jackson ensure everything was set up to best enhance his voice.

Jaebum had decided to use Amber, the arranger that he’d hired when he started Defsoul Productions, to work on his album and once Jackson and Jaebum started figuring out where they wanted to take the tracks, Jackson would spend Friday nights at Jaebum’s too, working with Amber to create the arrangements.

Once he was happy with how everything looked on his end he pressed the button that was wired into the headphones Jaebum was wearing to allow Jaebum to hear him in the soundproof booth. “I’m all set.” He said. “You almost ready?”

Jaebum nodded. “Give me another minute.” He said into the mic, which Jackson could hear through the speakers.

Jackson just gave him a thumbs up, making sure the sheets in front of him were all in order, the pages written up excessively with different colours that helped Jackson keep track of things like word emphasis, breathing and volume levels.

He was nervous. Which was stupid because it was _Jaebum_ and Jackson had recorded him dozens of times in the past. But this was different. This was the first time Jackson would be producing not only in front of, but _for_ Jaebum. The one who taught him so much about how to do his job. He’d understood that at some point he'd have to do this, but Jackson was finding it much harder than he thought it'd be to think of Jaebum as just another artist.

He wanted to do a good job. He didn't want Jaebum to regret asking him, especially given how badly Jackson had initially reacted to the offer. He didn't want to let Jaebum down.

“Ready.” Jaebum said, pulling Jackson from his thoughts.

Jackson sat up straighter and turned to the monitor in front of him, the file for the track already decorated with colourful pieces of data with instrumentations that he'd created with Amber so Jaebum would have something in his ear to help guide his vocals.

He gave Jaebum another thumbs up and started the music and recording. He pulled a notebook towards him as the simple sounds of synth played through the studio. He liked to keep one handy in case he thought of any ideas for post-production while listening to the artist, the notes in front of him already having far too much information on them for him to be adding more.

_“I know when I meet you, I’m always fine.”_

Jackson’s head snapped up and he looked at Jaebum through the window. He’d _never_ heard Jaebum sing like that before, not even when he heard Jaebum practicing this very song around the apartment. His tone was soft and slightly breathy and it made goosebumps spread across Jackson’s arms at just how  _intimate_ it sounded, like words whispered to a lover.

_“I know my heart is getting deeper. If I’m together with you, I can feel this world like it’s your heart.”_

Jackson couldn’t stop staring. He should be listening more closely, making sure that the pitches were right, that he was on beat, about a dozen other things that Jaebum was expecting him to be listening for, but Jackson couldn’t focus on any of it for the life of him at the moment.

_“I won’t let you go, take me in your embrace. I won’t let you go. If it’s for you, I’d do anything.”_

Jackson had a _lot_ of experience studying Jaebum’s facial expressions; it was experience he relied upon when they’d worked together to gauge Jaebum’s moods and reactions to prevent any unnecessary arguments. But he’d never seen the expression Jaebum was currently wearing on Jaebum’s face before.  His eyes were closed, a soft smile on his lips as he sang. One hand was raised to push one side of the headphones against his ear so he could hear better. If Jackson was actually doing his job, he’d turn up the vocals in Jaebum’s headphones, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Jaebum.

_“My forever sunrise, the sunshine above my head.”_

Jackson had to rub his arms to try and stop the goosebumps from entirely taking over at the pure, clear sound of Jaebum’s falsetto.

What was wrong with him? While it wasn’t exactly rare for him to have a physical reaction to an artist’s voice—he did work with some insanely talented people—it had never been so intense, so _visceral_ before. It had never affected his ability to do his job. What was so different this time? Why was _Jaebum_ so different?

 _“An angel just for me, hold my hand—“_ Jaebum cut himself off. “No, that wasn’t right. Let me do it again.”

Jackson stopped the recording, secretly relieved since he wasn’t paying the right kind of attention anyways. “Did you want to redo the whole thing or just the chorus?” Jackson asked, hoping Jaebum would redo the whole thing.

“I’ll do it from the top. Can you turn up the sound from the mic in my headphones?”

Jackson nodded and adjusted the appropriate levels, which he should have done when he noticed Jaebum pressing his headphones closer. “Try it now.”

Jaebum sang the first few notes of the chorus and then stopped, nodding. “Perfect."

Jackson deleted the audio they’d just recorded and looked up at Jaebum. “Ready?”

Jaebum nodded and Jackson started the process all over again.

He kept his eyes down from then on, either focused on his prep sheets or on the notebook as he jotted down post production ideas. He was internally beating himself up. He shouldn’t have lost focus like that. He should have noticed and adjusted the audio levels without having been asked. He wasn’t doing his job well and he was angry with himself.

He tried not to watch Jaebum as they finished the recording; he needed to do his job and it was just easier to do if he wasn't looking at Jaebum. But he couldn't help a glance up every once in a while. There was just so much passion, so much emotion on Jaebum's face that Jackson couldn't stop himself. It was mesmerizing and Jackson wanted to know who Jaebum was singing to, singing _for._  

Jackson had seen Jaebum sing for as long as he'd known the man. He sang all the time: while composing, while recording guides, while coaching idols but Jackson had never seen him sing like this. The more he heard and saw the more he was convinced that Jaebum had someone in mind, someone that he was singing to through the microphone in his recording booth.

Those weren’t his normal expressions, not even when he was singing. Jackson assumed that there was someone he was thinking of, perhaps even someone who inspired the song in the first place. Jackson had once asked where Jaebum got the inspiration for his songs and Jaebum had answered books and movies. Jackson had seen the piles of books all over Jaebum’s bedroom and figured Jaebum had answered honestly. But looking at Jaebum’s face now, hearing the softness and the affection in Jaebum’s voice, Jackson knew that he’d lied.

Jackson desperately wanted to know who it was, even if thinking about it made his heart sink for some reason.

It was Chan of all people that helped him figure out why. Jackson didn’t even remember what they were talking about, but it somehow ended up with Jackson telling a story about something he’d done with Jaebum. It happened far more often than Jackson realized but wasn't altogether a surprise given how intertwined Jackson and Jaebum's lives had become. Chan had just laughed at wherever the story had been about and commented casually “you know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d assume that you and Jaebum were dating given the way you talk about him.”

At the time, Jackson had laughed because the thought was ridiculous. They were friends. Their relationship wasn’t like that, and it never would be.

But the comment stuck with Jackson, troubled him, like a sliver stuck just under his skin. Not particularly painful, but annoying. Persistent. It resurfaced at the strangest times and Jackson couldn’t avoid thinking about it. Hearing one of Jaebum’s love songs when he was out shopping or through someone’s headphones made Jackson think of the look on his face when he sang and made him feel unsettled. Made him wonder all over again if there was someone important enough to Jaebum to have inspired it.The contentment and almost _pride_ he felt on the rare occasion when Jaebum let Jackson cuddle up against him, something that he knew no one else would have come close to doing. Something that Jackson himself probably wouldn’t have gotten away with a few months ago.

Eventually he wasn’t able to lie to himself anymore.

Jackson wasn’t dating Jaebum, but he wanted to.

He wanted to spend his weekends at Jaebum’s, not as his producer or as his friend, but as his boyfriend. He wanted to be able to snuggle into him without being swatted away with an eye roll. He wanted to be the one Jaebum looked at when he sang, the one he thought about.

Unsure what to do about the revelation, Jackson took the next weekend off. He wasn’t avoiding Jaebum, he had no plans to do that again. They still spoke on the phone and texted and Jackson watched the cute cat videos that Jaebum sent him to make him feel better. He just needed some time to figure out what he was going to do going forward.

Did he want to confess and tell Jaebum, potentially changing their relationship for the worse? Or did he keep it to himself and be content with how they already were? Jackson was special to Jaebum, he knew that. Jaebum let him do things and get away with things that no one else did. He knew Jaebum trusted him more than anyone.  

Was that enough?

He didn’t know anything about Jaebum's love life. It wasn’t something they talked about, not so much because it was off limits, but because neither of them were in a relationship and it simply just wasn’t on their minds at the moment. Jackson had almost asked after the day they recorded Sunrise, wondering who Jaebum had been thinking about but never actually went through with it, unwilling to hear the answer in the end.

He came to the decision to wait until after the album came out to talk to Jaebum about it. The album was far too important to the both of them at this point to risk making things awkward. Whatever the outcome, it would affect their working relationship and Jackson wasn’t willing to let anything compromise the album, not even his heart.

If Jaebum noticed anything different in Jackson’s behavior when they started working again, he didn’t show it. He didn’t say anything when Jackson leaned a little closer when they worked, sometimes even full on resting his head on Jaebum’s shoulder. He didn’t say anything when Jackson showed up during the week after work randomly with dinner for the two of them—and occasionally for Jisung if he was still there. He didn't say anything when Jackson put on one of Jaebum's hoodies that had been left in the studio, not even when Jackson wore it for almost three days straight.

Other people, unfortunately, had plenty to say about it. Mark and Jinyoung were by far the worst. They didn't even have to say anything, just give Jackson a look and Jackson would feel exposed. Sometimes Jackson would come home from work and they’d both be in his apartment and they’d smirk at him at the same time and make Jackson regret coming home at all.

Jisung had also mastered _The Look_ but he also made little comments here and there. Jackson considered himself lucky that Jaebum either didn’t hear them, chose to ignore them or didn’t understand them. Whatever the reason, he didn’t give into Jisung's subtle teasing and for that Jackson was grateful.

Chan was the worst. He’d taken one look at Jackson and just started laughing. He loved to tease Jackson by throwing Jaebum’s name into conversations that had literally nothing to do with him, or go on about how he had been right and how they should name their kids after him. Jackson found that he didn’t actually mind all that much. It was kind of nice to be able to talk about it with someone who didn’t know Jaebum or anyone in their friend circle who would relay anything Jackson said back to him. And when he wasn’t being a little shit, Chan actually gave pretty good advice, even if a lot of it wasn’t asked for.

Recording the rest of the album was easy. Jaebum had apparently worked out all his trust issues with Jackson during pre-production and was a dream to produce. He was on point almost all of the time but was open and willing to make any changes Jackson asked of him, only rarely asking to hear things back to confirm for himself. He and Jackson had such similar styles and ideas that he immediately understood whatever Jackson asked him to do and was usually able to deliver in the next take.

Jackson honestly enjoyed every moment of working on the album and he knew that he would miss it when the album was complete. It wasn't everyday he got to worked with someone like Jaebum. Someone who was so talented and who listened and responded so well to his coaching and who Jackson absolutely adored. He hadn’t realized how much fun it could be recording one of his best friends. He was friends with plenty of his artists, but those friendships couldn’t come close to the one he shared with Jaebum. The level of comfort, trust and familiarity between the two of them was so obvious when working together. It just made for a relaxed, fun environment that only made Jackson love both the album and Jaebum more as they worked through finishing the recording and then completing the songs in post-production.

And then it was release day, which really held no significance other than being the date that Jaebum and Jackson decided to release the album. Everything had been ready to go for about a week, the two of them going over everything almost nightly just to make sure. The tracks all sounded amazing and Jackson considered them hands down among his favourites out of everything he’d produced.

The album cover Jisung designed looked awesome. It was a dark teal paint brush effect with the name Defsoul in large white block lettering on an angle across the top. The rest of the album was of a simple white palm tree in the same stamp-style font as 'Defsoul.' It was simple but clean and bold and was just very Jaebum.

The lyric video was made to reflect the album cover, using similar fonts and colours mixed with some footage that Jaebum allowed Jisung to take of him recording Holic. It looked really professional and comparable to something an idol would put out. There was apparently nothing Jisung couldn’t do.

Jaebum had invited a few people over—which was basically just Amber and Jisung, who had worked on the album with them, and Jinyoung. Jackson brought Mark as well for literally no reason other than because Jinyoung told him to. They all gathered around the computer in the studio, Jackson standing behind Jaebum's chair with his hands on Jaebum's shoulders, as they double and triple checked to make sure all the files were right, everything was spelled right and all the proper credits were given.

When Jaebum asked if maybe the colour for the cover was too dark, Jinyoung snapped and reached for the mouse. “We've been standing here for almost twenty minutes. It's perfect, everything is literally _perfect._ Please just upload it or let me do it for you. The tension is killing me.”

Jaebum had taken a deep breath and nodded before going through all the sites that would host his music, uploading the album onto them. When he was done everyone applauded as he leaned back in his chair and looked up at Jackson.

Jackson smiled down at him and squeezed his shoulders gently. “You did it hyung. You're officially an artist now.”

Jaebum’s answering smile took his breath away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, writing is weird. Sometimes you'll sit down at your computer and have an entire chapter written in half an hour and then other times you'll be on your computer for basically the whole day and only end up writing like a paragraph and a half.
> 
> I'm pretty sure the next chapter will be the last, but who knows what will happen when I actually sit down and start writing it. I hope you enjoy and a huge thank you to all of those who have left comments (I LOVE reading what you all think) and kudos (this has over 200 now!!! You all are amazing)
> 
> PS: The track list I used for the album are songs that Jaebum has actually written and produced. I spent an afternoon on his soundcloud over the weekend and honestly I regret nothing. [Here](https://soundcloud.com/def_xxx) is the link for you to have a listen for yourselves if you want. (you should be able to find them on YouTube too)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a liar. There will be one more chapter after this one.

Jackson swore when he checked the time on his phone and ducked into a mall that he used as a shortcut to get him to work when he was running late or when the weather was bad.

Despite running late, his feet slowed when he heard a familiar song playing in a shoe store next to him.

Jackson stopped dead in his tracks before entering the store to make sure he was hearing things right. It was Holic. Jaebum's title track Holic was playing in a public store.

Jackson was pretty sure he'd never been more proud of anything in his entire life than he was in that moment.

He pulled out his phone again and immediately called Jaebum. “Hyung I'm in the mall by my work. Listen, it's you!” He said once Jaebum answered, holding the phone up closer to the speaker overhead in hopes that Jaebum would be able to hear it more clearly.

He waited a few seconds before bringing it back to his ear. “How is this possible?” He asked, feeling a complex mix of shock, pride and excitement.

“It's Jinyoung's fault.” Jaebum said. Even through the phone Jackson could hear the smile in his voice.

“Jinyoung's fault? What is he paying people to play your album now?” Jackson teased as he left the store because he was still late for work.

Jaebum laughed. “No, he asked all the idols I’ve worked with, and a few others he knows, to post about the album on social media. Last I heard there were over a dozen who had posted something about it.”

Jackson’s feet slowed as the implication of that statement sunk in. Jinyoung was one of the most famous idols in Korea. He had better connections than most. He also wasn't stupid and would know exactly who to ask to help Jaebum get the most exposure possible.

Another thought struck him. If Jaebum's song had somehow managed to get on public radio without Jaebum having supplied it to the stations, it must have been by frequent requests from listeners. Which would mean…

“Hyung, where is your album on the charts right now?’

Jackson hadn't thought to look. The album had been out for five days, but being a debut album with no promotion Jackson knew that there would be no point in checking. It wouldn't be there. He would have been pleased if they had even a hundred downloads at this point. But if Jinyoung had all his famous friends posting about and promoting it… If it was being requested on public radio…

There was a brief pause. “When I checked this morning it was at fifty three.”

Jackson stopped walking entirely. “You’re kidding.” He whispered.

Generally that would be pretty not-so-great news for the week after an album release. But for an artist releasing a debut album, who wasn’t from a major company, who hadn’t participated in any kind of reality show and who hadn’t done any promotional shows to be in the top one hundred was frankly nothing short of miraculous.

Jackson said the first thought that came to mind. “Remind me never to piss off Jinyoung.”  

If Jinyoung had managed to pull this off, who knew what else the man was capable of if he used his powers for evil.

Jaebum burst out laughing and Jackson smiled at the sound as he resumed walking once again.

“I have to admit, what he managed to pull of is pretty impressive.” Jaebum agreed.

“Hyung he only did part of it.” Jackson pointed out. “Yes, he was the one who helped people find your music, but he wasn’t the one who made them buy it. He didn’t make them call into radio stations and request it. That was all you. Your songs are incredible.”

“I had a pretty great producer too.” Jaebum replied.

Jackson ducked his head, pleased at the praise. “But when were you planning on telling me all this you asshole? I had to find out from a shoe store that the album is doing so well!”

“I was going to tell you when you came over this weekend.” Jaebum said.

Jackson honestly hadn't been sure what was going to happen that weekend. There was no need for him to keep going to Jaebum's now that the album was finished, but he didn't want to go back to eating out all the time again. He liked the comfort and intimacy of just hanging around Jaebum's living room or messing around in his studio.

“If you buy dinner I'll consider forgiving you.” Jackson said, suddenly in a remarkably good mood even though he was definitely going to be late for work.

 

。。。

 

“Jackson.”

Jackson, who had been laying on the living room floor playing with two of Jaebum’s cats, sat up instantly at the strange tone in Jaebum’s voice. “Hyung?” He asked, getting to his feet as Jaebum shuffled to sit on the couch. His expression was strangely blank and it scared Jackson. “Hyung what’s wrong?” He asked, sitting next to him.

He’d gone over to Jaebum’s on Friday after work like usual, but had been doing his own thing as Jaebum had some work to finish up. Jackson hadn’t really seen or talked to him yet aside from a hello that he’d tossed in the studio when he’d arrive so he had no idea where to even start guessing at what was wrong.

“JYP just called.” Jaebum said, turning and meeting Jackson’s gaze.

Jackson frowned. “Okay. What did the company want?”

Jaebum shook his head slightly and Jackson could make out disbelief on his face. “No, it was Park Jinyoung JYP.”

Jackson’s eyes widened. “Why is Park Jinyoung calling you?”

“He…” Jaebum huffed out a laugh. “The producers of Show Champion contacted him. They didn’t know how to get in contact with me directly but they knew that I worked with JYP so they called him instead.”

Jackson held his breath. He had a hunch where this was going. There was really only one reason he could think of why a weekly music show would be trying to contact Jaebum, but he said nothing, waiting for Jaebum to say it himself.

“A group has been withdrawn from their lineup for the show next week. Apparently my name has come up a lot in fan requests. They want me to perform on the show this Wednesday.” Jackson let out a truly embarrassing squeal, but Jaebum just sent him a fond smile and continued. “I wouldn’t be in the running for the trophy, just a filler act, but…” He bit his lip, turning to face Jackson a little more, his knee resting in Jackson lap. “What do you think I should do?”

“Oh my god are you serious? You should do it!” Jackson nearly yelled at him. “You can finally live your dream of being an idol!”

Jaebum’s eyes widened. “How do you know about…?” He paused and shook his head. “Nevermind. Jinyoung.”

Jackson smiled and pulled Jaebum’s leg further into his lap, lacing his fingers together behind Jaebum’s knee. “Of course it was Jinyoung. But I do honestly think that you should do it. It’s an incredible opportunity that I don’t know if you’ll ever get again. I think that it would be an amazing experience.”

Jaebum didn’t look convinced, dropping his head on the back of the couch and chewing his lip thoughtfully.

Jackson squeezed Jaebum’s leg. “But if you don’t want to do it, no one would think anything worse of you.” Jackson said gently. “It’s not something that everyone can do, performing in front of an audience like that. I don’t think I would be able to do it.”

“But I can?” Jaebum asked with a half smile.

Jackson nodded. “You’re incredible. Sometimes I genuinely believe there is nothing you _can’t_ do.” He said honestly.

“Jackson there are plenty of things I can't do.”

Jackson rolled his eyes. “I know that. But if there is something you really want to do you don't let anything stop you, not even your own limitations.” He tilted his head to look at Jaebum. “Performing for people was your dream once. That might not be the case anymore, but I don't want you to later regret giving up this chance.”

“So you think I should do it.” Jaebum didn't seem convinced.

Jackson slipped his thumb in a hole on the knee of Jaebum's jeans, rubbing the skin on Jaebum's thigh as he considered how to respond.

Jaebum jerked his knee out of Jackson's grasp and he sighed, letting go of Jaebum's leg entirely but when Jaebum made no further attempts to move it from Jackson's lap, he rested his hands on top of it, playing with a group of frayed threads instead

“I don’t think that what I think matters.” He said eventually. “But if you genuinely want my opinion then yes I think you should do it. This kind of opportunity is rare but you've worked so hard that I think you deserve it. I think that you owe it to the you who dreamed of being an idol to do this, just once. And if it doesn't go the way you want it to, nothing changes. If idol Jaebum doesn't work out, you're still the most talented composer and producer in the business; that will never change. But I do think that if you don't do it you'll always wonder how it would have gone if you had. I don't want you to have any regrets with this album.”

Jaebum was quiet, chewing his lip gently as he watched Jackson's fingers pulling gently at the loose threads of his jeans.

Jackson said nothing, giving Jaebum time to think it over. He knew that no matter what Jackson said, Jaebum would make his own decision but he appreciated the fact that Jaebum valued his thoughts enough to ask for and seriously consider them.

He was quiet for much longer than Jackson anticipated. Jackson hadn’t realized how difficult a decision this was going to be. He had honestly thought that Jaebum would already be leaning towards performing, especially given how he used to be an idol trainee, but the length of time Jaebum needed to think this over suggested that perhaps he didn’t actually want this.

Jackson felt bad for pushing him to perform and was about to tell him to forget it when Jaebum raised his head and met Jackson’s eyes. “Will you come with me?”

Jackson fell a little bit more in love with Jaebum in that moment, in love with the vulnerability in Jaebum’s voice and the trust in his eyes.

Jackson smiled and squeezed Jaebum’s thigh. “There is nowhere else I’d rather be.”

。。。

Jackson was planning the death of his artist for the fourth time that afternoon when his phone buzzed. He normally didn't check his phone while working, normally didn't even have it with him, but he was supposed to have left work about twenty minutes ago and his artist still couldn't get this _one_ part and his bosses would kill him if he had to call her back in just for one line.

It was a text from Jinyoung. **_You're still going to be with Jaebum for the show tonight, right?_ **

**_Of course,_**  Jackson replied as subtly as he could so the girl’s manager seated behind him wouldn’t notice he wasn’t giving the artist his full attention.

**_Good._**

Jackson frowned, then groaned when the idol he was listening to fucked up the line again for what felt like the eight hundredth time. He tried not to let his frustration show as he stopped her. Anger and frustration never helped. It only made the artists more nervous which made them mess up even more.

“Listen again.” Jackson said, singing the part. “Sing it with me.” He coached, having the girl repeat the part with him several times. She could do it, and sound great doing it, which was why Jackson was so frustrated.  

“Great. Just like that.” Jackson said. “Again.” He started the recording once more and texted Jinyoung back, working why it was good that Jackson would be with Jaebum, why Jinyoung even felt the need to ask.

His artist had messed it up _again_ when Jinyoung replied. **_I think it's starting to sink in that he's going to be performing on live tv. He's not doing too well._ **

Jinyoung had cancelled his practice for the day and spent his time at Jaebum’s teaching him all the things Jinyoung had picked up performing after all these years. Things like how to manage all the different cameras, tips for simple and engaging stages, how to play with the audience, how to use in-ear monitors and generally what to expect from performing live.

Worry flooded Jackson and he pushed to his feet, done with waiting for the artist to get this line on her own. He showed her manager how to start the recording and music and went in the booth with her.

“I'm going to record it. You'll hear me singing the part in your ear next time. Just follow my voice and you can do it, okay? I'll delete my recording after you've got it.” He told her.

She nodded, looking embarrassed, and stepped aside after handing him the headphones.

Jackson pointed to the manager who thankfully pressed the right keys and music started playing in Jackson’s headphones.

He didn't do this often, didn't _need_ to do it often, but he was desperate to get out of there today. Desperate to get to Jaebum. Jinyoung wouldn’t ensure Jaebum wasn’t alone without reason so Jackson didn’t want to leave him alone a second longer than he had to.

It worked and Jackson was out of the office fifteen minutes later and on his way to the recording studio where Jaebum was filming Show Champion tonight.

He was late, but traffic was thankfully light on the way over so he wasn’t as late as he could have been. He signed in at the front desk and someone was kind enough to lead him to the dressing room hallway. It took him another five minutes to get down the hallway as one of the groups he'd worked with a few months ago was also in the lineup for the show that night and one of the members saw him and pulled him in for pictures and a brief conversation.

When he was finally free he knocked on the dressing room that was labeled for Defsoul. Jaebum called him in and Jackson opened the door before freezing in his tracks when he took in the sight of Jaebum standing in the middle of the room.

Jinyoung had hired his stylist to help Jaebum for the night as a congratulatory present and holy shit was she good at her job. Jaebum was wearing a dark blue suit that was tailored to him perfectly, hugging his broad shoulders, slim waist and thighs, a black dress shirt underneath with a few buttons undone to expose a generous sliver of his chest and made Jackson almost whimper. His hair was all artfully swept back off his face and he was wearing a bit of makeup which helped highlight the masculine bone structure of his face and the intensity of his eyes.

Jackson was tempted to duck back into the hallway because he needed a minute but Jaebum had already seen him, giving him a relieved smile that made Jackson's knees weak.

“Sorry I'm late.” Jackson apologized as he entered the room, dropping his stuff on the back of a faded yellow couch that took up most of the right side of the room. The space was small, just the typical lighted mirror above a counter and a chair opposite the yellow couch. There was a television set up on the wall beside the mirror what was showing a live feed of the program's opening.

“Thank you for coming.” Jaebum replied.

“Of course.” Jackson said, his eyes roaming over Jaebum once more. “You look amazing.”

Jaebum looked down and Jackson was pretty sure he was blushing, even if Jackson couldn't see it under the stage makeup. “Jinyoung's stylist is amazing.”

Jackson didn't disagree, but refrained from adding that Jaebum could have worn a garbage bag and Jackson still would have found him beautiful.

“Do you know when you're scheduled to perform?” Jackson asked, sitting on the couch, which was surprisingly comfortable given how old it looked.

“In the first half.” Jaebum replied, chewing his thumbnail nervously as his eyes strayed to the television where a group Jackson vaguely recognized was being introduced.

Jackson pulled him down to sit next to him. “Do you have your mic? In-ears?”

Jaebum definitely seemed off, restless and perhaps a bit agitated as his knee bounced up and down rapidly.

He looked at Jackson. “I'm using a handheld, which I’ll pick up right before I go onstage, and my in-ears are all ready to go.” He replied, his fingers going to his collar and pulling out one of the large black earbuds. One of Jinyoung's backup pairs that he’d let Jaebum borrow for the night.

Jinyoung might have been one of the most judgemental and petty people Jackson had ever known, but when he cared about someone there was seemingly nothing he wouldn’t do to help them. Jackson was glad Jaebum had someone like Jinyoung in his corner.

For the next five minutes Jackson talked about any and everything that came to mind other than the album or the performance to try and keep Jaebum from getting too lost in his head about what he was about to do. He thought he was doing a pretty good job when he heard a familiar voice and jumped to his feet as he looked at the screen. “Oh! I work with these kids!” He explained as he walked closer to the television as the boys who had pulled him into their dressing room earlier began their performance.

Jackson knew they could sing, but he’d never seen them dance. They were very talented, their movements sharp and precise as they moved in sync with one another through their routine. There was an awesome bit during the chorus where two of the members threw another into a flip.

Jackson gaped and turned to see Jaebum’s reaction but was startled when the older man was looking pale under his makeup, jaw set tight as he looked at the screen. “Hyung?” Jackson asked, moving to sit next to Jaebum and picking up his hand. “What’s wrong?”

“What am I doing here Jackson?” Jaebum asked, voice flat and his eyes still on the screen.

Jackson was utterly confused. “What do you mean?” He asked. He couldn’t quite place the expression on Jaebum’s face—anxiety? Fear? Anger? It worried him.

“Why am I here to perform?” He asked. “I can’t do that!” He gestured at the television with the hand that Jackson wasn’t holding.

Jackson flicked his gaze back to the screen to see the boys continuing through their incredibly sharp and complex dance routine. He smiled and slid off the couch to kneel in front of Jaebum. “Jaebum-hyung, look at me.” He coaxed gently.

Jaebum looked down at Jackson, a kind of pleading in his eyes that broke Jackson’s heart. He’d never, not even once, seen Jaebum nervous before. He didn’t like seeing it now. “Hyung, it doesn’t matter that you can’t do that. You don’t _need_ that.” Jackson said, reaching up and taking both of Jaebum’s hands, feeling them tremble slightly. “You don’t need to do flips. Your fans wanted you here because of your music, your voice and your lyrics. Those are the tools you use to make people fall in love with you, to make _me_  fall in love with you.”

Jaebum inhaled sharply, his grip on Jackson’s hands tightening.

Fuck. Jackson hadn’t meant to say that.

Figuring that Jaebum had enough on his mind at the moment, Jackson continued, trying to make the words sound like less of a confession. “Your music inspires them like it inspires me and that’s what you should focus on when you go out there. Just sing your music, your way. That is all you need to do.”

Some of the tension bled out of Jaebum’s shoulders. His gaze never left Jackson’s. “Thank you.” He said quietly.

Jackson’s lips quirked up in a grin. “Though if you have any flips hidden away in your back pocket, I certainly wouldn’t turn down the opportunity to see them.”

Jaebum grinned, laughing lightly and Jackson relaxed, reassured that Jaebum was feeling better. He dropped Jaebum’s hands after a final squeeze, getting up and moving to sit on the couch next to Jaebum as the kids on the screen wrapped up their performance.

Before either of them could speak there was a sharp knock on the door and a stage hand popped into the dressing room, telling Jaebum that he was up after the commercial break and that it was time for him to head to the stage.

Jaebum’s eyes found Jackson’s, once more filled with panic.

Jackson stood and pulled Jaebum to his feet and into a hug. “Relax. Just be you, right? Think about whoever inspired you to write Holic and pretend they’re with you in the studio, in the audience, behind the cameras. That’s your strength, conveying emotion through your lyrics and in your voice. You’ll be amazing, I _know_ you will. I can’t wait for everyone to see how incredible you are.”

Jaebum held him tighter for a brief moment before nodding and stepping back. He took a deep breath and then sent Jackson a smile. “Here goes nothing.” He said before following the stage hand out of the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter got a lot longer than I thought it was going to so I decided to split it up. So one more chapter for you all to read!!! I'm about halfway done the last chapter so I'll try and post it early.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and any comments and kudos are loved and appreciated ♡


	8. Chapter 8

Jackson watched Jaebum exit the dressing room, still surprised that the day would come where _he_ would be the calm one out of the two of them, the reassuring presence.

Though now that Jaebum was gone Jackson felt like he was going to explode into a million different pieces. He may have been calm and soothing but the truth was that he might have been more nervous than Jaebum. Jackson meant everything that he’d said, but he still wasn’t sure if it was going to be enough. He wanted everyone to love Jaebum as much as he did, to see how much talent and passion Jaebum possessed and how unique he was. But he knew how fickle fans could be. He’d seen some absolutely phenomenally talented people be dragged for no reason Jackson could determine. He didn’t want that to happen to Jaebum.

He paced the length of the small dressing room as commercials continued, only stopping when the emcee appeared, giving a brief introduction and then the cameras were panning towards the stage where Jaebum sat perched on top of a wooden stool, a single light shining down on him as the fans cheered and the back track started playing.

Jaebum started singing and the lights came up, a mix of green, blue and white, the screens at the back of the stage showing a beach scene with palm trees blowing in the wind. Jackson thought he looked about a hundred times more beautiful on stage than he had sitting next to him a few moments ago. The way the lights hit the angles of his face, the way he held the microphone, the confidence he exuded even though he’d been a nervous wreck mere minutes ago.

Jackson knew how much it had taken Jaebum to get up there and was more in love with him than he’d ever been.

Jaebum stood when he got to the chorus, the fans cheering as he moved closer to them. Whatever practice Jinyoung had done with him earlier in the day and paid off because Jaebum worked the multiple cameras and audience like he’d been doing this all his life, his expressions and small gestures were so on point. Jackson could see him relaxing more and more as the song continued, feeling more comfortable on stage and with the audience in front of him.

The audience seemed to adore him. The camera occasionally panned across the crowd and most of them were swaying or dancing to the beat, smiling. Several were singing along. Jackson even caught sight of a few signs that read ‘Defsoul’ in the same lettering that had been on the album cover.

Once the camera zoomed in on Jaebum’s face and he winked and Jackson swore he fangirled harder than the members of the audience. That was _his_ Jaebum up there, pouring his heart out with words and a melody he’d written himself and stealing the hearts of everyone who set their eyes on him in the process.

Jackson was going to kiss the hell out of him when he made it back to the dressing room.

He'd been putting off confessing with various excuses because of nerves but Jackson literally felt like he might burst if he didn't tell Jaebum he loved him immediately. He was practically vibrating with the need.

As Jaebum continued through his performance, he only got better and more comfortable. Ever since Jinyoung told Jackson that Jaebum used to be a trainee, Jackson had always thought that he would have made a great idol. But seeing him on stage was still so much better than what he had imagined. Jackson always thought that Jaebum had a presence that could fill up a room, but to see it on stage was something else. Simply put, Jaebum was riveting. The audience hung on his every word and the cameras followed him across the stage. Jackson couldn't stop staring.

Jaebum had been afraid that he needed flips… He was literally just standing there and yet no one could take their eyes off of him. Jaebum looked like he was enjoying himself. His actions looked relaxed and occasionally a smile flitted across his face that seemed genuine, even though it was hard for Jackson to tell through the screen. He wondered if Jaebum would perform again if given the opportunity.

The song came to an end and the fans cheered louder than they had when Jaebum had begun, making Jackson wonder how many new fans Jaebum had just earned himself, how many hearts he’d just stolen in just over three minutes.

Jaebum smiled and waved and Jackson could tell this time that it was genuine; it went all the way to his eyes. Jackson softened, happy that he’d encouraged Jaebum to do this. Happy that Jaebum had had the time of his life out there, especially if this was the only time he was ever going to perform for people.

The screen switched back to the emcee, who praised Jaebum’s performance and gave a few details about the album and it’s amazing climb up the charts along with a little information about Jaebum’s work as a producer and some of the idols he’d worked with.

Jackson turned away from the screen and faced the door, waiting for Jaebum to make his way back to the dressing room. He was nervous but excited and so in love he wondered how he’d even get the words out without just throwing himself at Jaebum without warning.

The door opened a few minutes later and Jaebum entered the room. He was still glowing from having been on stage, his eyes sparkling and his smile beaming. Jackson just stared at him, not having a clue where to start explaining how much he loved this man.

It turned out he didn’t have to. Jaebum closed the door behind him and strode straight to Jackson, his hands slipping around the back of Jackson’s head as he pulled him forward, hesitating briefly when he was about an inch away from him, his eyes briefly flicking over Jackson’s face and his breath ghosting over Jackson’s lips before closing the gap and crushing his lips against Jackson’s.

He didn't stop there; when Jackson made no move to pull away from him, Jaebum’s hands slid down to Jackson's waist, gently pushing him back a few steps before sliding down to his ass.

Jackson gasped into Jaebum's mouth when the older man lifted him up, dropping him on top of the makeup counter a second later before nudging Jackson’s thighs further apart and stepping in between them.

This may have been the absolute last thing Jackson had been expected Jaebum to do, but he was not about to complain about it. He slid his hand up Jaebum's chest, pulling at his collar to get him closer. He wrapped a leg around the back of one of Jaebum's thighs to prevent him from stepping away as he gladly let Jaebum devour him.

Jaebum kissed exactly like Jackson had always thought he would, intense and hard and leaving Jackson with absolutely no doubt about how much Jaebum wanted him. The hands that slid around Jackson's waist were trembling slightly but Jackson couldn't determine if it was because of nerves or residual energy from his performance.

His performance.

Fuck. They probably shouldn’t be making out in Jaebum's dressing room.

Jackson tore himself away, gasping in a breath before Jaebum chased after his lips, pulling him back in again.

Jackson kissed him back, weak to the feeling of Jaebum's lips on his, the warmth of Jaebum’s hands on his hips as they tried to pull him even closer. Unfortunately his imagination went wild with images of producers, stage hands or idols walking in on them and he didn’t the memory of his first kiss with Jaebum to be ruined like that, so he forced himself to pull away again, this time flattening his palms against Jaebum's chest so he couldn't follow him again.

“Wait, wait.” Jackson panted, leaning his head back so he could look at Jaebum. “This probably isn’t a good place for this.”

Jaebum made his little noise that Jackson could only call a whine before pushing against Jackson’s hands and pressing a gentle kiss to Jackson’s lips. The kiss was so at odds with the one before, this one soft and affectionate but still somehow had him reeling as much as the demanding, passionate one. Jaebum pulled away and moved back and Jackson’s leg fell away to allow Jaebum space to move, even though he didn’t go far, only a single step away.

Jackson exhaled unevenly and collapsed back against the mirror behind him, looking up at Jaebum. His hair was no longer perfectly styled, a few strands hanging down around his face once more. Jackson wasn’t sure, but he suspected this his own fingers were the cause of that. His lips were red, but Jackson was pretty sure his were too given the force of the kiss. His cheeks were flushed, but Jackson couldn’t be sure if that was because of him, or because of adrenaline from the performance.

Perhaps that adrenaline was what fueled the kiss in the first place. As much as Jackson enjoyed kissing Jaebum and desperately wanted to do it again, he was frankly baffled as to why Jaebum had initiated it in the first place. Jackson leaned forward again, closer to where Jaebum was standing in front of him, looking awkward. “Uh, I’m not complaining or anything, but what was that about?” He asked.

Jaebum looked at him, frowning slightly. Underneath the frown though Jackson could see signs of nerves, the fingers of his right hand tapping restlessly against his thigh. “You said…”

Jaebum looked uncomfortable and Jackson felt bad for making him feel that way, but he needed to know. Needed to know if the kiss was because of genuine feelings and desire on Jaebum's part or if it was just some whim spurred on by the high of being on stage for the first time mixed with Jackson's accidental confession earlier.

He needed to know if this was real.

There was a knock  at the door and Jaebum calmly slid away from Jackson, moving to a more socially acceptable distance as he brushed his hair back into place. Someone wearing a shirt with the Show Champion logo on it entered the room. He did a double take when he saw Jackson and frowned. “Those counters aren't strong enough to support a person.”

Jackson blushed, recalling Jaebum's hands on his ass as he lifted him up there. “Sorry.” He murmured and got down, glaring at Jaebum who had a decidedly smug grin on his face.

Jackson kept his attention on the television screen as Jaebum and the stranger exchanged pleasantries. The man was a producer of the show and complemented Jaebum, telling him how great his performance was and Jaebum thanked him for the opportunity to perform. Jaebum gave his contact information in case there was ever a chance for him to perform again and the producer gave Jaebum his paycheck. The producer thanked Jaebum once more before bidding him goodnight and leaving the room again.

The air in the dressing room became thicker and Jackson felt Jaebum’s eyes on him but didn’t turn around. “Maybe we should go back to  your place before we continue this conversation.” Jackson suggested.

He heard Jaebum’s footsteps and then felt fingers under his chin, turning his head towards Jaebum. “Before we go, I need to know if you meant what you said.”

“What did I say?”

“When you said that you had fallen in love with me. Did you mean that?”

Jackson swallowed. He should have known that Jaebum wasn’t going to forget that happened. But he’d been planning to confess anyways. Maybe it was easier this way, even though it wasn’t the big romantic speech that Jackson wanted to give.

He nodded.

Jaebum’s answering smile could have rivaled the sun and any tension Jackson carried melted away as Jaebum cupped his face and placed a soft kiss on his lips. “Good.”

“Good?” Jackson asked as Jaebum moved to get his backpack from underneath the makeup counter.

Jaebum extended his hand towards Jackson, still with that smile on his face. The one that made Jackson weak. “Good.”

Jackson took his outstretched hand, lacing their fingers together, and grabbed his things in the other hand before allowing Jaebum to pull him from the room and down the hall. It was strange, actually holding Jaebum’s hand instead of his wrist like Jackson was used to. Even stranger was that Jaebum was the one to initiate it.

They caught a cab out front of the studio and Jackson once again found himself in a cab with Jaebum, desperate to fill the silence but still not knowing exactly what words to say. It felt like years ago that Jackson and Jaebum had gone home from Jinyoung’s party together.

Jaebum hadn’t let go of his hand, his thumb rubbing against Jackson’s skin which was the only thing keeping Jackson from flying apart at the seams. That had to be a good sign right? He could claim that the initial kiss could have been from the rush of being on stage, but certainly not the one before they left. It didn’t explain why Jaebum wouldn’t let go of his hand.

Jackson let himself be comforted by those facts as they travelled back through the city.

He tried to bring it up in the elevator, but Jaebum decided to back him against the wall kiss him instead and, well, Jackson was alright with that too.

Once they were in Jaebum’s apartment though, Jackson was determined to get answers. He pulled Jaebum into the living room and onto the couch, sitting sideways so he could face him. “Okay, what the hell is going on right now?” He asked.

Jaebum cocked his head a little to the side. “What do you mean?”

Jackson waved a hand to gesture between the two of them. “This. What does this mean? Do you actually have feelings for me or is this just some kind of post performance high that you’ll regret in the morning?”

Jaebum’s jaw fell open. He just stared at Jackson for a second before exploding. “What the hell? You can’t be serious. I’ve been in love with you for almost two years!”

Jackson stilled, _certain_ he’d misheard. “You… Two years?”

Jaebum ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah. I figured it out like a month before you quit. Why do you think I made you eat barbecue with me at three in the morning? It was the only thing I could think of at the time to keep you with me a little longer, to try and change your mind about me so you wouldn’t run away again the second the cab stopped in front of your house.” He huffed out a breath. “Why do you think I was even at that party? Jinyoung is great and all, but I don’t like him _that_ much.”

Jackson felt numb. His brain was stuck on repeat with the phrase _I’ve been in love with you for two years_ bouncing around and around.

“Some post performance high.” Jaebum echoed, laughing slightly. “Do you think I kissed everyone I saw on the way back to the dressing room or something?”

Well when he put it that way Jackson felt ridiculous.

“I needed to be sure, okay?” Jackson said defensively. “You did just come off stage where you sang very convincingly for three minutes and seventeen seconds about how desperately you wanted someone.”

Jaebum looked at him in disbelief. “Yeah, and who do you think inspired me to write those three minutes and seventeen seconds?”

Jackson froze. “You… You wrote Holic about _me?"_

“Jackson, _all_ of them are about you!” Jaebum said, sounding almost exasperated.

That brought Jackson up short. The songs were all about him? Jackson stopped and took a minute, going through all the lyrics in his mind. Think of You was about meeting someone by chance and then discovering that they are the only thing you can think about. Sin was about wanting someone you aren’t supposed to but not caring, willing to accept any risk because they matter too much to you. Bad Habit was about losing someone, knowing that you hurt the one you cared about because of your choices and bad habits and wishing that they’d meet someone better than you because you wanted them to be happy. Sunrise was about learning how to love, how you think you can face anything as long you’re with that person. Holic was about needing to be close to the person you loved, not being able to go another moment without them in your arms. Be With You was about how incredible life could be when you’re with the one you love, how you wish time would just freeze and keep you in that moment, even if it was just for a second longer.

Jaebum had literally written the most romantic album that Jackson had ever heard and he’d written it for _Jackson._ Jackson felt tears burn his eyes and clog his throat. He’d never imagined someone would ever do that for him but it was such a _Jaebum_ thing to do. Jaebum, whose strength was always in the lyrics he wrote and rarely in the words he said.

Jaebum, who Jackson had walked away from without really knowing what kind of person he actually was. Jackson wasn’t sure he’d ever really get over how close he came to missing out on this, how easily he could have just gone on with his life without knowing how much better it was with Jaebum in it.

Jaebum seemed to sense Jackson’s rush of emotions. His expression softened. “Why do you think I never gave those songs to anyone?”

Jackson swallowed the lump in his throat. “I… I assumed it was because none of your artists sing that genre.”

“That was part of it, I guess.” Jaebum conceded. “But the main reason was because I didn’t want anyone else to sing the words that I’d written for you.”

Fuck. That was it. Jackson was crying now.

Jaebum looked slightly alarmed, moving forward and cupping Jackson’s face, wiping away the tears that fell. “Jackson-ah? Why are you crying?” He asked gently.

“Because we’re idiots!” Jackson cried, pushing himself into Jaebum’s arms, reveling in the feeling of Jaebum’s arms sliding around him and pulling him closer. “We could have been dating for months already!”

Jaebum chuckled and pressed a light kiss to Jackson’s temple. He’d given Jackson a lot of those since he’d walked back into his dressing room. Jackson hoped he never stopped. “Most of our friends thought we were.”

“Jinyoung will be happy.” Jackson said, his voice muffled by Jaebum’s shoulder.

“I’m pretty sure the only reason he threw that birthday party was so that the two of us would be in the same room again.”

“I’d actually wondered why Jinyoung had that party. He’s not really the party type.”

Jaebum just hummed his agreement and shifted the two of them so that he was lying on the couch with Jackson on top of him.

“Hyung?” Jackson asked once he was settled on Jaebum’s chest.

“Yes Jackson?”

“I love you.” He realized that he hadn’t said it yet. Not really. He just wanted to make sure Jaebum knew.

He felt Jaebum’s breathing stutter and his arms tighten around him. “I love you too,” was all he said. But that was enough.

They stayed in that position and talked. Jaebum apologized for the way he’d treated Jackson back then, and Jackson told him he’d forgiven him a long time ago. Jaebum told him about how he was drawn to Jackson’s ability to switch so effortlessly between someone who sang songs about vegetables when cooking and who laid on the floor to play with his cats and someone who was able to focus for hours on emails or sound files with the highest level of professionalism without wavering even slightly. He told Jackson how much he enjoyed watching him work, how attractive he thought it was to watch the intense focus on Jackson’s face as he studied the sound files he recorded or the way a smile would spread across his face whenever the artist did something Jackson considered amazing.

He thanked Jackson for giving him a second chance.

Jackson could have talked for hours about how much he admired Jaebum, but he tried to keep it short. He told Jaebum about how how Jaebum’s ability to express emotions with his voice and his words was something Jackson would never get tired of seeing. He told Jaebum about how jealous he had been watching Jaebum record the album, seeing the soft look on his face and hearing the adoration in his voice and wishing it could have been directed at him. Jaebum had just laughed and kissed his head and Jackson silently wished he could relive those moments now that he knew Jaebum had been singing to him all along.

Once both of them had said everything the wanted to say, they fell silent, Jackson just listening to Jaebum’s heartbeat and Jaebum trailing his fingers up and down Jackson’s spine. The only thing that would have made this moment more perfect was if Jaebum’s album was playing. Jackson wanted to listen to the whole thing again, wanted to see if he would hear it differently knowing that the words and melodies Jaebum had written were written for him.

But there would be plenty of time for that in the future. For right now Jackson closed his eyes, entirely content just with Jaebum’s arms around him and the sound of Jaebum’s heartbeat under his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S OVER :'(
> 
> I'm going to be totally honest with you all, I did not think people would love this fic as much as they did and I am so thrilled and honoured that you did. I hope that the last chapter fulfilled all of your wishes for how this fic would end! I'm actually sad that it's over even though this fic drove me a bit crazy sometimes. 
> 
> To all of you who have left kudos and especially to all of you who have left comments with your thoughts, a million thank yous. I love you all to the moon and back.
> 
> Take care of yourselves and I'll be back soon ❤️❤️
> 
> ps: in case any of you are wondering, the lyric summaries for Jaebum's songs are actually what those songs are about. I picked the tacks that I thought would best suit this fic
> 
> pps: If anyone wants to read more of my writing, I'm going to shamelessly promote my other fic Forget It which you can read [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15825420/chapters/36844278)
> 
> ❤️
> 
> Update: OMG THIS HAS 400 KUDOS. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING.
> 
> Update pt 2: OVER 600 KUDOS. I'M CRYING 😭


	9. Bonus Chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is your thank you 💚

Jaebum exhaled in relief as the last notes of the song he’d been listening to faded in his ears.  _ Finally, _ the song was finished. The debut track for JYPE’s newest group shared a startling amount of similarity with a song that a group from another company had come out a few days ago and JYP himself had begged Jaebum to write something else. Jaebum didn't produce for that group, but he made an exception so the girls' debut wouldn’t have to be cancelled or postponed until they could find another song. He didn't mind helping, but Jaebum was tired; he’d had to work on this one around the schedule he’d already had. It had taken him longer than he’d thought it would, but he was finally happy with the track and thought that it would fit nicely with the girls' concept and as a debut track. 

He emailed it to JYP for approval before pulling the headphones off his ears, absently rubbing his bleary eyes as he exited the studio. He heard singing from the kitchen and didn’t even try and stop the smile from spreading across his face at the sound of the raspy tone that he loved so much.

He walked quietly as to not disturb the man in the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe and just watching as Jackson stirred something in a saucepan on the stovetop, singing lazily as he stirred. 

Jaebum lingered in the doorway, waiting for Jackson to get to the rap section of the song. As much as he appreciated the man’s vocals, there was something about Jackson's rapping that Jaebum had always appreciated. Jackson was far from the most technical rapper Jaebum had ever heard, but there was just something about the way Jackson’s raspy voice slid over the syllables and the way he chose to emphasize certain words. It was something Jaebum didn’t think he’d ever get tired of listening to. 

Jackson had only just started the rap when he was interrupted, Nora meowing loudly from where she sat next to Jackson’s feet and the man stopped, looking down at her with a smile. “You wanted the rap solo?” Jackson asked, tone amused. “You should have said so sooner.”

Jaebum smiled, his chest aching a little at how domestic Jackson looked in  _ his  _ kitchen, cooking them both dinner and talking to his cat. He wasn’t sure he’d ever get over how happy Jackson made him. 

Maybe he was feeling sappy because it was spring and all the artists he produced for wanted love songs, or maybe it was the fact that Jackson was singing one of the songs Jaebum had written about him, but the scene reminded Jaebum of when he’d realized he loved Jackson two years ago.

Jaebum had left the studio then too, seeking out Jackson to get his opinion on the final version of a song he’d just finished. Jackson had the best instincts of anyone Jaebum had worked with and even though he still lacked a bit in execution, Jackson's ideas and suggestions always left Jaebum a bit inspired. Some of his ideas were downright ingenious and Jaebum considered himself lucky to be able to work with someone like Jackson. Someone who complimented him so well. 

Jaebum was horribly awkward with managers and idols who tried to flatter him in attempts to get on his good side. He was equally bad at giving praise when the artists did well. He was good with music, with pushing idols to their limits vocally. He just wasn’t good with people. But Jackson seemed to have such a natural talent with making human connections that meetings and recordings with Jackson present were never uncomfortable, but productive and enjoyable.

Jaebum considered himself lucky to have Jackson next to him. His skill was obvious, not only technically with the equipment, but in his choices and his ability to react without Jaebum having to say anything to him. Sometimes he’d mutter things under his breath absently as he adjusted volume levels that Jaebum made a note of to work into post-production, Jackson seemingly surprised when Jaebum would mention that it was a good idea. Jaebum had never been sure if Jackson had been surprised by the compliment or if he hadn't meant to actually say his thoughts aloud. 

Jackson had been cooking then too, Nora at his feet chirping up at him when he crouched down to sing to her, holding a spatula like it was a microphone before holding it out to her, as if she was going to take over the next verse. She leaned forward to sniff it, but deciding that it wasn’t what she was looking for, she’d stretched up on her back legs, her front paws against the cupboards, reaching for what looked like beef.

“No,” Jackson had told her, gently nudging her back onto the ground. “That is for Jaebummie. He’s been working hard all week and he deserves some meat.” 

Nora had meowed at him and Jackson sighed, getting to his feet. “Just a  _ small _ piece then you little monster.” He said affectionately, dropping a piece onto the floor for the cat who happily devoured it.

Jaebum had stared silently from the doorway. He’s never seen this side of Jackson before, this soft almost domestic person. Jackson was his employee and had always acted nothing but professionally when he was around Jaebum or their artists.

Jaebum didn’t realize till that moment how much more he wanted to see of Jackson. He’d never seen that soft smile on Jackson’s face before and was almost jealous of his cat for having been on the receiving end of it. While being called Jaebummie made him want to cringe so hard, would  _ normally _ make his eye twitch, he couldn’t. Because the fondness in Jackson’s voice as he said Jaebum’s name was something Jaebum hadn’t realized he wanted so desperately until he'd heard it. 

He froze on the threshold to the kitchen. Why did he want that so desperately? Jackson was his  _ employee _ . 

An employee that Jaebum let sing on his guide tracks when he'd never let anyone else do that. 

But Jackson was talented, had more skill in rapping than Jaebum did. He was just making the tracks better. It had nothing to do with Jaebum's personal preference for Jackson's husky voice. 

An employee that Jaebum let produce on his own when Jaebum had been too overbooked to do it himself when Jaebum  _ never _ would have let any of his other assistant producers produce alone. He hadn’t trusted any of them enough to even consider it.

But, again, Jackson was talented. It was his  _ job. _ Jackson’s instincts were amazing and his choices were generally so aligned with Jaebum’s that it really hadn’t been too difficult a decision to send Jackson back to JYPE to work on his own when the rare occasion demanded it necessary. He’d never been disappointed with the results.

His employee that Jaebum allowed to virtually live in his house. 

Jaebum had no defence for that one. Jaebum hated having strangers in his personal space and the only reason he opened a studio at home was because he hated strangers just waking into his studio at JYPE without warning even more. But Jackson was currently on day…three?…of staying over. Jaebum had barely given a second thought to giving Jackson his own set of keys. He didn’t care at all when he stumbled out of his room in the morning and found Jackson sitting at his kitchen table, drinking his tea and wrapped in the blanket Jaebum’s mom had given him that he kept on the back of the couch. He didn’t even care that Jackson kept clothing and personal items in his spare room. Hell, Jaebum had even thought of his spare room as  _ Jackson's _ room more than once. During the weekend when Jackson didn’t come into work Jaebum had even thought that his apartment seemed weirdly empty without Jackson parked at his table on on his couch. 

He had started to panic a little as all these tiny realizations seemed to hit him all at once. He knew this feeling. Fuck, he’d written about it dozens of times. The feeling that his heart had somehow outgrown the space in his chest. The fluttery feeling in his stomach. The fact that he was damn near breathless as he watched the affectionate smile Jackson sent to his cat.

How hadn’t he noticed? Had be been so overworked, become such a shell of a human being that he didn’t notice? That he didn’t notice how he softened at Jackson’s smile? How he relaxed just from hearing Jackson’s voice, from knowing he was there?

He stepped out of the doorway and leaned against the wall outside the kitchen where Jackson was still singing, oblivious to the mental breakdown Jaebum was having a few feet away.  _ How did he not notice all of that? _

Had he been so overworked that he’d somehow managed to sleepwalk past all the signs he should have seen, only been jerked back to reality when he had already fallen off the cliff?

He loved Jackson. Was  _ in love _ with Jackson. With the way Jackson was able to put anyone at ease within minutes, whether they were angry or sad or nervous or stressed. Himself included. 

With the way Jackson treated Jaebum’s cats like his own kids.

With the way Jackson took care of him, cooking for him and occasionally cleaning up the studio for him without him having asked or expecting anything in return. 

With the amount of trust Jackson had in him; when Jaebum was particularly irritable and stressed Jackson somehow would just  _ know _ and squeeze Jaebum’s shoulder reassuringly and tell him ‘hyung, stop worrying. You’re the best producer I’ve ever seen. You’ve got this. And if you need help, you know that I’m always here for you.’

With how excited Jackson got when their artists performed well or when Jaebum would play the final versions of songs for Jackson. Hell, that was the only reason he did it Jaebum realized. Jaebum didn’t need Jackson’s input on final versions, though he always welcomed Jackson’s thoughts. Jaebum just wanted to see Jackson’s eyes light up and see the awed smile on his face, knowing that  _ he  _ was the reason for it.

He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. Jaebum was shocked to find himself thinking that he didn’t like his job anymore. He loved making music, loved being able to work with talented people, at what cost? He worked too much. He didn’t sleep enough. He couldn’t remember the last time he talked to his parents. The last time he just hung out with his friends. He’d completely missed  _ falling in love _ for fuck's sake.

He opened his eyes and straightened his spine, heading back into the studio. He couldn’t see Jackson just yet, not the soft domestic version of Jackson currently in his kitchen. Not without putting up some defences first. Jackson was his  _ employee. _ Jackson wasn’t his to love. 

He dropped into his chair and resolved himself to never tell Jackson, not unless he thought Jackson might feel the same. He wouldn’t ruin their working relationship because of this. Jackson was far too important to him to lose.

He was still going through a mental list of all the things he needed to be wary of when Jackson was around him when the door to the studio opened and Jackson walked in, a plate of food in his hands.

Jaebum quickly pretended that he was busy on the computer so that he wouldn’t have to look at him, afraid his face would give everything he had just figured out away.

“Hyung, you haven’t eaten anything yet today.” Jackson said quietly, like he was afraid to interrupt. “I made you something.”

Jaebum made sure to steel his expression before he looked over at Jackson. He couldn’t let Jackson know. “What?” He asked, because he was an idiot that couldn’t think of anything else to say in that moment that wasn’t ‘fuck I love you.’

Jackson got that expression that Jaebum recognized as him trying not to roll his eyes. “I brought you food. Eat it.” He said and as hard as Jaebum tried, he couldn’t stop the small smile from forming on his lips. He wasn’t sure if it was the way Jackson had ordered him, the gesture itself or simply the fact that it was  _ Jackson _ but Jaebum was helpless against it.

He forced himself to turn back to the computer, away from Jackson until he could get the stupid smile off his face. “Just leave it there, I’ll get to it in a minute.”

“Sure, hyung. Make sure you don’t forget.” Jackson said and then Jaebum heard the clink of the ceramic against his table.

Jaebum waited until Jackson was almost out the door before turning back to him. “Thank you,” he said so quietly he wasn’t sure Jackson would even hear it.

The warm smile that spread across Jackson’s face as the door closed between them was a clear indication that he had.

Jaebum was still falling

。。。

Back in the present Jaebum watched Jackson taste whatever it was he was cooking, nodding happily when it met his standards, and wondered what he would have done if Jackson hadn’t forgiven him. If Jackson hadn’t gone to Jinyoung’s party, or if he’d just refused to speak to Jaebum altogether. Jaebum would deserved it. He wouldn’t have held it against Jackson, not after what he’d put Jackson through for so long. 

But part of the reason Jaebum had loved him so much back then, loved him even more today, was Jackson’s ability to accept an apology and move on. To forgive people who have wronged him so he could move on with his life. To let go of grudges. If they’d been in each other’s shoes back then Jaebum didn’t know if he’d have been able to forgive the way Jackson had.

Feeling an overwhelming amount of gratefulness for being able to have Jackson in his life, he crossed the kitchen in three large steps, sliding his hands around Jackson’s waist and pressing his chest as close as he could against Jackson’s back.

Jackson jumped, startling so bad he dropped the spoon he was stirring with, sauce splattering the clean stovetop. “You scared the shit out of me!” Jackson whined, but he relaxed back into Jaebum’s hold and let him trail light kisses along the side of his neck. “Are you finally finished with the song?” He asked, his voice soft and intimate as he made Jaebum shuffle over with him so that he could turn off the stove and take the food off the heat.  Jaebum just hummed in response, tucking his face into Jackson’s neck, closing his eyes and enjoying having Jackson in his arms, appreciating that Jackson was just narrow enough that he fit snugly against Jaebum’s chest.

Jackson elbowed him gently. “Don’t you dare fall asleep on me. It’s date night.”

Jaebum smiled into Jackson’s neck. “I wouldn’t dream of it.” He promised. Date night was honestly his favourite part of the week. They’d get food and snuggle into his bed and watch whatever drama Jackson had gotten hooked on that they mocked openly but were both horribly addicted to. 

Jackson moved to get dishes and Jaebum went with him, unwilling to let him go just yet. Jackson paused and Jaebum felt more than saw him look over his shoulder at him. “You okay?” He asked softly. “ _ I’m _ the clingy one in his relationship.”

Jaebum laughed. Jackson wasn’t wrong. Jaebum rarely acted like this, but that was only because Jackson was usually already touching him in some way, fingers laced through is own, his head on Jaebum’s shoulder, arms looped around his waist. Jaebum didn’t reach out for Jackson because Jackson was usually already there.

“Just tired.” Jaebum said in response to Jackson’s question.

Jackson reached up and ruffled Jaebum’s hair a bit. “You’ve worked hard these past few days.”

Jaebum smiled. “You want to hear the song?” Old habits die hard and Jackson’s face when listening to Jaebum’s music was still every bit as beautiful to Jaebum now as it had been back then.

“Of course I do.” Jackson said as he plated their food, letting Jaebum cling to him. “But not tonight. No more work tonight. You go get the show set up and I’ll be there with the food in a minute.”

Jaebum gave him another squeeze and a kiss on the shoulder before letting him go, scooping up Nora as he left the room and headed to his bedroom. She protested and craned her neck to better see the kitchen. “He’s bringing the food you mooch.” He told her as he entered his room, dropping her on the bed next to Odd who barely opened his eyes.

He grabbed his laptop and sat on his bed, pulling up the tab he always kept open for whenever they had date nights. Jaebum wondered why they even called them date nights considering they never actually went on dates, but Jaebum didn’t care what they called them as long as he was with Jackson.

He paused and cringed internally at how cheesy that sounded, even it it was true. 

Jackson arrived carrying both their plates a moment later, Jaebum reaching out and taking them from him so he could pull the cans of coke out of the pockets of his sweatpants and climb into bed, pulling up the blankets to cover both of their laps before taking his plate back from Jaebum. 

He immediately leaned down to feed both of the cats.

Jaebum sighed. “Will you stop? They’re getting fat.”

“They are not.” Jackson replied, sounding insulted by the mere suggestion. “They’re perfect.”

Jaebum rolled his eyes. “I’m starting without you then.” He said, pressing play and leaning back against his pillows, smiling when Jackson cursed at him and moved to his spot next to him. His plate tilting dangerously as he settled against Jaebum’s shoulder.

“Watch it! I swear if I find rice in the bed again you can go back to sleeping in the spare room.” He threatened.

Jackson just laughed and snuggled closer, placing his plate on Jaebum’s thigh. “Who would you cuddle with at night if not me?”

“Nora. Duh.”

Jackson lifted his head and looked at Jaebum, his eyes sparkling with laughter and mischief and made Jaebum absolutely weak for him. “Hyung, you and I both know she likes me better.”

“Yeah, because you keep feeding her! I’m the one that cares about her health!” Jaebum replied, even thought Jackson was probably right about Nora following him. His other cats were sweet, but neither of them were cuddlers so they both fought for Nora’s affections. Jackson was currently winning.

“Hyung, shut up. It’s starting.” Jackson said, ending the argument as they settled in to watch their show and eat dinner, only talking to exchange remarks about what was happening on screen. 

Jaebum collected their plates and set them on the night stand when they were finished, Jackson taking advantage of his now empty lap to curl further into his side with a happy sigh.

Jaebum used the arm around his shoulder to pull him closer and press a kiss against his temple.

Maybe he was more tired than he thought or maybe the episode they were on was just a slow one but Jaebum had a hard time paying attention to what was happening. It was easier to focus on the warmth of Jackson cuddled into him, the familiar scent of his cologne and the way Jackson’s fingers snuck inside the pocket of Jaebum’s hoodie, absently drawing small designs on Jaebum’s lower abdomen through the fabric as his eyes remained on the screen in Jaebum’s lap. He was lucky Jaebum wasn’t ticklish.

“I love you, Jackson-ah,” Jaebum said quietly, completely out of nowhere. He just… He felt like he didn’t say it enough. Or maybe he just enjoyed being able to say it after having to keep it to himself for so long. They’d been together for just under three months and sometimes Jaebum had to remind himself that it was real, that he was allowed to say things like that now and enjoy the way Jackson would send him a beaming smile that still made his knees weak in return.

Jackson turned his face so that he was looking up at Jaebum, brows furrowed slightly in confusion. “I know you do.” He replied.

Jaebum turned back to the screen, feeling a bit embarrassed for some reason. “Just reminding you.”

Jackson chuckled and reached up and cupped Jaebum’s face, turning it toward him again so he could press a kiss to Jaebum’s lips. “I love you too. You know that, right?”

“I do.” Jaebum replied, dropping his forehead onto Jackson’s. And he  _ did. _ Some days he couldn’t figure out how he’d gotten so lucky, but he had never doubted that Jackson meant it when he told Jaebum he loved him.

“Good.” Jackson said with that smile Jaebum loved, kissing him once more before snuggling back into his side, his hand sliding back into Jaebum’s hoodie pocket as he got comfortable and began paying attention to the drama once more.

Jaebum sighed in contentment and leaned his head back against his pillows, closing his eyes. He knew Jackson would tease him in the morning about how he was an old man who went to bed at nine p.m. but he didn’t care. 

He was happy. And as long as it was Jackson doing the teasing, and as long as the teasing was followed up with cuddles or kisses, like it always was with Jackson, then he was going to stay happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys... I... 
> 
> Did you know this fic got over 60 kudos in two weeks since I first posted about the bonus chapter to celebrate 500? It's now in the top 40 if filtered by kudos and there are truly no words that I can think of to express how grateful I am to all of you for reading this, for loving it. I hope this bonus chapter is a enough of a thank you but I don't think it will ever be enough. I decided to do a bonus chapter mixed with a flashback of Jaebum realizing his feelings since there were like 3 votes separating those two options (thank you to all the people who voted!). I hope that it lived up to your expectations.
> 
> If you want to keep up with what I'm working on currently, you can find me on twitter @musicaniawrites and you can read my other fics [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Musicania)
> 
> Again, truly and honestly, thank you all. From the bottom of my heart 💕


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